I know, I’m supposed to have a “what I learned” vlog up today, and I’m trying to put them up consistently on Wednesdays, but today, there’s other shit going on, so you’ll have to wait . The gods must be pissed, the planets must all be off-kilter a bit, and mother nature must be giving us the finger because there is major drama going on right now. Volcano’s in Iceland–WTF?–are going off, my sister can’t get off with her boyfriend and is considering taking E to loosen up, my friend who just got married two months ago is considering leaving her husband, my other friend who just turned 40 is wallowing she’ll never meet a man and settle down (and her dog is dying), and I have no RSVP’s to my first author event tomorrow. WTF?
Last week, I was driving home from one of my client’s houses. No, I haven’t started turning tricks because my books aren’t selling as planned, I’m helping him design and publish his book, because I’m really fucking awesome at that kind of stuff…but I digress. Anyway, driving home the song “Creep” came on, and I couldn’t help but think of the very first man I fell in love with. I think “Creep” came out when we first started dating, and he would play it over and over again at the bar he worked at and sing it at the top of his lungs. It was such a dichotomy. The man was a perfect specimin. OK, he was a little short, but seriously, other than that, perfect. Awesome long thick hair, hot hot bod, six-pack, super sweet, the whole works, and totally hung. But here he is singing: I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul, I want you to notice when I’m not around, you’re so fuckin’ special, I wish I was special.
Could someone so perfect really feel that way?
I saw him around a few times after we broke up. On one such occasion he told me he started seeing this new girl. I said: “I hope she knows she’s the luckiest girl in the world”. He stared at me for a while, and finally said: “Did you feel that way when you were with me?” Me: “Yes.” Him: “That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”
I felt both surprised and like a bitch. Was I really that cold when we were dating? Perhaps. Young and stupid.
The point is, we all have places of insecurity, no matter how hot, hung, or successful we are. We all feel like we don’t belong sometimes, like the world is fucked up, and nobody likes us or what we’re trying to sell. But that doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with us. It just is what it is, and we have to keep moving forward, despite the ugly obstacles. There will always be obstacles, and you’re the only one that can decide something is perfect just the way it is.
p.s. recycle more, and get a compost; enjoy being single, even if it is forever; only get divorced if you’ve been unhappy for a REALLY long time; and, E is not a solution.
p.p.s. I’m going to put all my bullshit insecurities aside and enjoy myself tomorrow night.