Posted by on Jan 4, 2012 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

blog-pretty-in-kinkphoto: Kiki de Montparnasse in W Magazine

Back in July, I asked Dr. Sex for ideas about spicing up a long-term relationship. He suggested everything from sex toys to kink. I responded with this, and made him dig a little deeper:

Q. Sex toys, kink, role play, all sound like the right stuff…but…what about the couple that has explored all the kink and porn their relationship can handle? What if they’ve already done it all; gone to the extreme, even had a threesome?

A. You’re right, my initial suggestions work for some, while others have a much more complex road to travel. For those people, the ones that have been around the block, but still feel like something is missing, here’s my take: All the spicy suggestions in the world to invigorate their sex life isn’t going to help much, because for them, it’s usually not about needing more sexual variety, it’s about digging deeper into the roots of why they feel unfulfilled. What I’ve found is many people mask what they don’t want to look at or are afraid to look at; their unhappiness with themselves, their partners, their life choices, etc. When I say unhappiness, it could be a number of things: Job unfulfillment, lack of intimacy, anger or resentment with partners, missing the single life of independence and new partners, depression, or insecurity. And a good roll in the hay isn’t going to fix all or any of that. I’ve seen people get more sexual fulfillment from taking weekend cooking classes (they always wanted to be a chef), or separating themselves from their overbearing and intrusive mother (they learned how to establish boundaries) than trying new things in the bedroom.

We sometimes avoid our insecure realities and attempt to cover them up. If this is where you are at, try individual therapy, retreats, or life coaching; work to improve your sense of self-worth, self-esteem, and happiness with your life choices (partner, career path, family, etc). This will probably work better than a threesome or kinky adventure, which is more of a short-term fix for possible long term problems.

Dr. Sex, better known as Dr. Hernando Chaves in Beverly Hills, is a Psychotherpist and Clinical Sexologist. He can be reached at or 310.749.5777 .