SLH

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Mourning my new single life.

Posted by on Oct 6, 2003 in Life and Style | 0 comments

I’ve decided to call my new single life my mourning period. Oh yeah, that’s how excited I am about my new single life.

You know I totally get why things didn’t work out with Mr. Smyth, but it still sucks. Or maybe I was right last week when I concluded that perhaps I just suck at being single. Or maybe the real problem is that this time I don’t have someone like Ben to keep me distracted.

Why is it that for some reason if you have a hot piece of ass to distract you, all of a sudden the trauma of breaking up with someone miraculously disappears?

Where oh where is Dr. Bod when I need him, and why don’t I have a business trip to New York planned anytime soon?

Maybe I should call that beautiful 22 year-old boy I met in Tahoe a few months ago… Of course I deleted his phone number like a jack ass thinking that Mr. Smyth was going to surprise me for my birthday and we would live happily ever after.

I wonder if he’s missing me…I know he felt something. You can’t just tell me that he stuck around all these months because he didn’t have a warmer, wetter, tighter, pussy to stick his dick into. Getting laid is not hard, getting along with someone is, and me and Mr. Smyth got along.

I wonder if he ever let his mind wander enough to think about the potentional… I wonder what he’s doing right now while I’m sitting at home obsessing.

I can’t believe I’m obsessing.

Eligible bachelor distraction please knock on my door right now so I can fall back into all of my old habits and not learn anything from this whole experience.

Oh yeah, being single. Rock and roll. I need to call Jack.

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The Safety Blanket goes to Vegas.

Posted by on Apr 9, 2003 in Life and Style | 0 comments

I’m driving to Vegas. Luckily I have a conference in Vegas for a few days. Luckily I can get the fuck away from the Mr. Smyth situation. I hurt. I’m totally disappointed – again. But you know what – I’m over it. I’m fucking over him. He wants to be single – right on. He can have it.

He “likes” me. But just not enough. Not enough to be more than just…. just what? The re-bound girl? No, I’m not the re-bound girl. If I were the re-bound girl this would have all been wrapped up a few weeks ago when we had “the conversation”. That was his easy out. But if I’m not the re-bound girl, what am I? Am I the convenient lay? No, it’s not just a sex thing between us. We’ve hung out and not had sex and had a great time.

So if I’m not the re-bound girl, or the convenient lay…what am I?…. Holy shit. I’m the safety blanket.

He’s that guy. That guy that wants to be single, but truthfully is a relationship guy. He’s been in and out of relationships for nine years. Why? Because he likes being in relationships. So now he wants to be single, but it’s new territory for him, and he’s not completely comfortable with it; it kind of freaks him out. So he has me, his safety blanket. It’s always easy to be single when you know there’s one person out there that can give you a dose of “relationship” with the click of a few numbers.

Or maybe I’m the fucking love of his life and he’s too afraid to own up to it. Who knows.

All I know is that this whole thing fucking sucks. Even though I know exactly where he stands, it doesn’t change the way I feel for him. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m still totally hot for him. It doesn’t change the fact I get butterflies in my stomach every time I see him. But now I have to switch gears.

Can I switch gears? Can I have unemotional sex with Mr. Smyth? Am I strong enough to keep having sex with him? And others? And know that he’s having sex with other people too?

Fuck it. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care that he wants to be single, I don’t care that he doesn’t want to be exclusive. I don’t care. Things happen for a reason and maybe it’s OK that we’re not sexually exclusive. I’m having fun. I’m getting laid. I can date other people. I can fuck other people. I don’t have to report to anyone. I can do what I want, when I want, and with whomever I want to do it with. And I can do all of this without an ounce of guilt. There have been times in my life when I would have given anything to have this kind of an arrangement.

So you know what, I’m going to embrace it. I’m going to Vegas, and I’m not going to hold back this time. I’m not going to fucking care. And I’m not even going to call him when I get back. His ass can call me if he wants – and leave me a voicemail. And we’ll see. We’ll see if I even care when I get back.

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Amazing night with amazing new guy, and no sex.

Posted by on Feb 13, 2003 in Life and Style | 0 comments

I hung out with Mr. Smyth last night. It was awesome! We didn’t even have sex. He told me he was starting to feel sick, and I thought, perfect opportunity to JUST hang out with him.

Fuck. I dig this guy. Like I REALLY dig this guy. It makes me scared. I haven’t dug someone like this since…The Ex? Here’s the scary part though, it wasn’t like this with The Ex. Or Maybe it’s just so different with Mr. Smyth.

I think I’m freaking out because I really don’t know how he feels about me, and I am loving everything about him. He’s not perfect, no one is. It’s just weird because I haven’t had such a huge emotional connection to someone since The Ex, but probably more like Warner, where it was just bliss all the way through. Well, until the end.

I just feel so compelled to completely absorb him. And then I think, maybe I’m just rebounding, or maybe he’s rebounding.

Every time I see him, I dig him more. That’s scary. Makes me worried I’m getting all caught up in a guy that maybe doesn’t feel the same way. But he’s calling, we talk on the phone, probably every other day, and we talk forever.

So last night, no sex. The sex is AMAZING, and I was starting to think: what if this is just a sex thing for him? So I showed up with my hair in a bun and in sweaties, and gave him a peck on the cheek. Then we just snuggled up, first on the couch to watch Sling Blade, and then in bed. Instead of making out, we made tea. He was so affectionate all night, and this morning, started kissing and massaging my back—but no sex. God, I am totally fucking digging this guy! So good, but so freaky.

OK, gotta jet, on my way to Lola’s.

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Reasons not to call The Ex.

Posted by on Jan 4, 2003 in Life and Style | 0 comments

My journals are signed and sealed. Put away after the last “incident”, which led to the break-up. So I’m writing on this ratty yellow scrap from work.

I wonder whether things would have turned out differently if The Ex hadn’t read my journal. Maybe. Or maybe we just would have prolonged the inevitable. Could I have said or done something different that would have changed the outcome? It doesn’t make sense to anaylyze this type of shit, but it’s hard to stop.

The fact is, I wanted more than he was willing or able to give last year. The fact is that I was mostly unhappy last year. The fact is that I felt like a punching bag all last year. And the fact is that I did cheat on him. I need to look at myself; stick with therapy and figure out why I made the choices I made.

I wonder if he’s serious about moving on this time. Maybe I just fucked up one too many times and he has put me in a place in his heart that consists of past loves. A love that was, but can never be again. And maybe I need to do the same. Maybe there were too many problems from the beginning to fix. Maybe there just weren’t enough feelings on my part to want to fix those problems. And maybe last year’s fight to have him in my life was more about me being scared to be alone rather than me fighting for the love of my life.

I love him. Very deeply. But love is not everything in a relationship. I love Jack, but I wouldn’t marry him. The right relationship is a collage of the right…pieces. And most importantly, the right relationship is about timing. I know things would have been different if I’d met The Ex two years ago instead of five.

So I am back in therapy. To help me get through this I suppose, but also for me. To help figure me out again because somehwere between my last therapy session and today I lost what I had gained. And I need to get it back.

I have to make a vow to myself not to call The Ex. Dr. B suggested I write a list of reasons not to call. So here goes:

1. I always had doubts about whether he was “the one”.

2. The Ex is not willing to forgive me, or let go of the past, which keeps disharmony in our relationship.

3. I need to work on my issues and fears before I can be in a strong, healthy relationship.

4. He needs to work on his issues, cuz I’m not the only one with issues. If we do ever decide to get back together.

5. I do NOT want to be in a relationship out of fear or desperation.

6. I can’t convince, or beg, someone to be in a relationship with me.

7. I realize that as difficult and painful as this all is, time heals all wounds.

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