Hannah Blog
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- Book News (19)
- Life and Style (26)
- Playlists (10)
- Relationships and Sex (39)
- SLH Vol1 Spring Season (members only) (9)
- SLH Vol1 Winter Season (members only) (9)
- The SLH Soap Opera (members only) (73)
Latest Posts
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Put the Metal Where Your Mouth is: The Merits of Genital Piercing
July 30, 2010
When I think of male genital piercings, my mind often goes to a dreadful place—a place of Cosmo horror stories and sky-high gynecologist bills. It drifts to that scene in The Sweetest Thing, in which it took an entire emergency response unit, a handful of neighbors and their grandmothers, and an impromptu rendition of I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing (“Singing relaxes your throat!”) to detach Selma Blair’s mouth from her partner’s bedazzled member. Yep, genital piercing has gotten a lot of bad PR over the years…
I don’t blame the majority of you for voting against hole-punching your happy place for the sake of good sex. There is pain and risk involved, and when you can much more easily read a Kama Sutra guide or buy a quality bottle of warming lube, why subject yourself to that?
But what if you met a guy who just happened to be pierced? Would it be worth a trial-romp, just to see how it feels? I say: Definitely yes…
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73. Biting a Lesbian.
July 29, 2010
Photo: Christine’s Joie de Vivre
From Sex, Life, & Hannah::Volume 1, Spring Season (CHAPTER 13: ORAL FIXATION)
I’m shuffling around the kitchen and hear my phone faintly ringing. It’s probably in the purse I took with me to last night’s lesbian affair. I rummage around… Receipts—evidence I tipped way too much again; Cliff Bar wrapper—me craving a snack but wanting to be healthy; leftover Trojan—I wonder if double-wrapping Ben would make him less sensitive…I unearth my phone.
“I’m tremendously hungover; do you have coffee?” It’s Ireland.
“What happened to you last night?” I inquire, pouring myself a cup from my just-brewed pot.
After my smoke on the patio, I went back upstairs to find that Ireland had disappeared.
“I totally got conned by that psycho, Nisha.”…
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Living in a Disposable Society.
July 28, 2010
Things often happen during inopportune moments. Like your computer crashing when you’re traveling; and my dream of waking up late, working out, lounging by the pool, and shopping crashing with it. Instead I’ve spent two days dealing with the loss of my electronic life companion, salesmen only out to convince me my old computer is not worth saving, and the sincere tekkie in the back telling me I may as well move on because everything these days is built cheap and disposable.
It’s hard to disagree. Everyone seems to want faster, bigger, prettier, and with the latest features. It seems more complicated to fix, and easier to throw away. And I’m starting to think this doesn’t just apply to electronics… Are men becoming as disposable as computers?
p.s two and a half weeks later, my Brazilian is still holding strong. I’m impressed:)
p.p.s toronto is awesome!
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Packing for Canada.
July 23, 2010
Lola flew into town about a month ago to film Scream 4. Turns out, they’re filming part of the movie in Toronto, or something like that. Lola talks fast, and can throw an incredible amount of fact at you in a five minute conversation–even though she’s three months pregnant and claims she’s slowing down. All I remembered from the conversation was this: someone didn’t show up, so there’s a free ticket, a free hotel room, and some free food and drinks with people like Courtney Cox. It was enough to convince me to beg for the vacation time.
Actually I lied. I told Phillip (my boss) and my other boss that my sister was going in for knee surgery and needed someone to help her out. I had to, we’re in the middle of a permitting shit storm on the Benson project, and they would have never let me leave otherwise.
I think Phillip is suspect. We “worked” late again last night; I needed to finish up some progress reports, return emails to designers, and set up some stuff for my assistant. After, we had a good fuck, and then he actually asked why I’d never mentioned a sister. I looked at him matter-of-factly, “you never asked.”
So I’m packing, and leaving tonight on Virgin. I’ve heard good things…
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72. Cock Metal.
July 22, 2010
From Sex, Life, & Hannah::Volume 1, Spring Season (CHAPTER 13: ORAL FIXATION)
I scan my kitchen counter: A half-full bottle of Skyy Vodka…maybe; a bottle of Monogamy cab—definitely not; and a black bottle of 1994 Colheita Porto that my dad sent me for New Year’s Eve—to celebrate my engagement. I pick up the black bottle. My dad, who drinks this stuff every night while knocking back a large cigar, still thinks I’m going to develop a taste for it. The stuff typically makes me gag, but it’s strong, and I need to get rid of it before it brings back any more bad memories of how my New Year’s Eve should have turned out. I open the bottle and pour two glasses. I stroll over to Ben.
Ben is reclined on one end of my couch; his jacket is draped over a chair, his shoes are kicked under my coffee table, and he’s recounting the night he and Yvonne strong-armed her ex-husband over recipes. Her ex got the bar in the divorce, but she refused to give up the title to the dishes she’d helped perfect.
I hand one of the glasses to Ben. “So the large white envelope I saw you holding was filled with…”
Ben nods. He hands his cigarette to me.
“Stealing recipes, Sopranos-style…nice.” I take the cigarette, kick my heels off, and recline on the opposite end of my couch.
I place my feet near his crotch, take a drag, then take a sip of the port—and wince.
Ben starts rubbing my feet with his free hand.
“Somethin’ like that. Yvonne’s stubborn. She kept saying: ‘He’s got the best pub grub thanks to me, and that’s what everyone wants right now.’” Ben takes a sip of his port—and winces. “But, like, fries with six different dipping sauces. You know: fancy stuff.”
I hand the cigarette to Ben, who takes a last drag and then drops it into his glass of port. “This stuff sucks.”
We both laugh, looking at one another through the spirals of leftover smoke.
“I’m told you eventually develop a taste for it,” I say. “So, Wiseguy, back to the night of the Great Recipe Caper, were you packin’ heat, or what?”
Ben tilts his head and winks. “Sopranos-style.”
He grabs both my feet and tugs me toward him. I have just enough time to set my glass down next to the couch before he reaches over, grabs my hands, and pulls me onto him. His hands run up the length of my jeans and grab my ass…
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RULES! Part 5.
July 21, 2010
24. If you live in L.A., you should always have three alternates for every destination. This applies to routes, venues, and men.
25. You’re not going to meet an eligible bachelor(ette) clubbing on Hollywood Boulevard. First of all, most clubs on or near Hollywood Boulevard suck. The lines, the posturing, the need to know a promoter and be on some kind of list, or have bottle service, is all for show, so what can you really expect from the people when they’re in that kind of environment…
26. If you want eligible, go to yoga. Yoga has attractive, in shape, spiritually sound (or working on it), emotionally available (or working on it) people. You’ll learn a lot more about a person going for green tea after yoga than wasted off your ass at a Hollywood club…
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71. Shampoo Boy Turns into a Man.
July 20, 2010
From Sex, Life, & Hannah::Volume 1, Spring Season (CHAPTER 13: ORAL FIXATION)
I’m standing on the patio at Chloe, sucking on the cigarette I bummed off Gunmetal-Grey Girl—who also slipped me her number.
I ponder whether I could sleep with her. She’s attractive, and she radiates sex appeal. But can you really have sex with someone who doesn’t have a penis?
Sure, I’ve masturbated thinking about the Pink Side—but you’re supposed to masturbate thinking about dirty things. Dirty things like women who look like porn stars, with big nasty fake boobs and platinum blond hair and names like Donna Darling—who do chicks and dicks, and sometimes with a strap-on. But staring me in the face…I’d probably chicken out.
“Hannah?”
My self-psychoanalysis is broken because walking towards me is…Ben.
“What are you doing here?” he asks, lighting up a cigarette.
Here he is: my hot neighbor, wearing a suit, looking like…a different man…
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70. Demanding Sex.
July 19, 2010
photo: www.todaynetwork.com.au
From Sex, Life, & Hannah::Volume 1, Spring Season (CHAPTER 13: ORAL FIXATION)
After Nisha has finished her coming-out toast, in which she gives a detailed account of her journey to becoming a lesbian, Ireland and I are rubbing elbows with all the lesbians and lesbinas in Nisha’s inner circle. I’m becoming privy to things like: my first lesbian experience was with a prostitute; in seventh grade, my best friend and I would have sleepovers and touch each other’s private parts; when my husband still couldn’t find the clitoris after seven years, I knew it was over; I’m married, but we’re polyamorous.
“Poly-what?” I ask the girl to my right in the gunmetal-grey silk jumpsuit…
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Cheating is cheating and double-standards are lame.
July 16, 2010
I’d like to say I blame my fascination with this question on Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian, but more accurately, I blame Clark and Chopper’s fascination with those two bitches since they’re the ones with the TV and I’m completely at their mercy… For a month now we’ve been gathering ’round the TiVo Wednesday night, and I have to listen to how Clark thinks Scott’s gay, how Chopper thinks he could do so much more with their hair, and how Deirdra’s new goal in life is to poison their stylist so she can take over. OMG! The whole thing is like a car wreck, you can’t help but slow down and look.
This Wednesday I finally thought I was going to get something more out of it. I thought Kourtney was going to beat Scott to the punch and reveal she was gay by getting down with a girl. From last week’s preview snips I could tell however that Scott was not going to cry in a corner about the revelation, but be into it. Because most guys are. And that, is really how this whole thing started.
When Mr. Smyth and I were still “dating” I remember him asking me once: What if we went to Vegas and got a little crazy…and met a girl we both liked. I thought the question was a test of my committment to him, so I told him I wasn’t really into that kinda stuff. Silly me. It was a red flag of things to come. The guy was more interested in garnering sex stories for his new book than a new relationship. But I digress…
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69. Being a Lesbian can be Lucrative.
July 15, 2010
From Sex, Life, & Hannah::Volume 1, Spring Season (CHAPTER 13: ORAL FIXATION)
One mani-pedi, four mimosas, two new BioFit uplift bras, and half a joint later, Ireland and I walk into Chloe—the new upscale bisexual boutique lounge in West Hollywood. The concept is not that new for West Hollywood: a sexually ambiguous crowd pecking at expensive tapas served on small plates fit to feed lap dogs.
Ireland and I survey the revolving door of typically attractive L.A. fashionistas that all new venues attract for the first eight weekends, as we walk up the stairs for the private “coming-out” party of Nisha Patil.
Ireland and I met Nisha in a poli-sci class at USC. Nisha was the most Amazonian-proportioned women I’d ever met; loud, overbearing, and very opinionated about things like women’s lib and most men being worthless—except, of course, her quiet, squat, third-generation Filipino boyfriend from the O.C., who smiled a lot and agreed with everything she had to say…
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Is it wrong to run away from a bad situation?
July 14, 2010
Here is the question I got on Facebook today:
Q. If you move in with a woman, telling her from the start that you are just friends with benefits and that it’s temporary until you get your shit together, but then she downs a bottle of Aspirin when you tell her you’re moving out ( because you’re sick of her smothering you whenever you’re in the same room and told her so). Is it wrong that your reaction is to go stay at a friends place and order pizza?
She did phone 3 times to say that it was “All your fault and I won’t be here tomorrow.” And “You don’t even care, I’ll find you and die on the doorstep!” And finally “Everything I do, I do for you and get NOTHING in return!
A. Sounds like you basically pimped yourself out for free rent, and (surprise) got yourself into a bad situation…
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68. Stuck in a Patient 68.
July 13, 2010
From Sex, Life, & Hannah::Volume 1, Spring Season (CHAPTER 13: ORAL FIXATION)
Ireland and I are at Lily’s Nails—the premier budget polish salon on the west side, where the ladies are as professional, quick, and cheap as everyone imagines happy endings to be in Thailand. This is where Ireland recently met Tony: the man who delivered her first oral-stimulation orgasm. And this is where Ireland now gets her nails done every week, because Tony has a “thing” about nails.
“I don’t think I can ever break up with him,” she says, finishing her mimosa, which they serve at Lily’s every day ’til 2:00 p.m.—because every day is a holiday at Lily’s. It’s written in small print on the window.
I point to the dark purple nail polish on my elbow rest, and one of Lily’s girls—the one who has been scrubbing and buffing my feet for thirty minutes now—smiles in acknowledgement. She grabs it and starts applying.
“Strong words,” I say, “for a woman who used to call men who had better hygiene than her faggy.”
Ireland nods to another of Lily’s girls, who is carrying a fresh pitcher of mimosa. “That was before my clitoris experienced this.” Ireland grabs my forearm, wraps her lips around it, and starts sucking and flicking her tongue around…
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July Must Have: The Brazilian
July 12, 2010
We are in the midst of summer, which means bikini weather, and extra pressure to look smooth, tanned, and always freshly shaven. So I decided to take the plunge. A plunge I last took ten years ago with a gay man. I got a Brazilian wax.
Let me start off by saying, this is not for the faint of heart. Anyone that says the first time doesn’t…sting, is lying. And let me also say that you have to be REALLY comfortable with your private parts. Like when your friendly neighborhood waxer asks you to turn over and part your cheeks—you better be ready. Bottom line though (pardon the pun), if you really wanna look ready-for-anything-hot, the Brazilian is a summer MUST…
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67. Eating donuts, drinking coffee, and utterly disappointed.
July 9, 2010
From Sex, Life, & Hannah::Volume 1, Spring Season (CHAPTER 12: POST-EJACULATORY REMORSE)
Three dates. Three perfect dates. Well, two and three-quarters, I think, reaching for another donut hole from the nondescript white bag sitting on my breakfast bar. Hangover food to go with the hangover serum brewing in my kitchen. And then…The Conversation.
In every relationship, The Conversation is inevitable; because two people can’t just “date” forever. The Conversation is usually a dreaded event, because it establishes parameters that up to that point do not exist…
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RULES! Part 4.
July 8, 2010
20. If you meet someone with emotional herpes, RUN AWAY!
21. If you’re on the 22nd floor of a downtown LA high-rise and an earthquake hits, get under a table or other piece of furniture. If there isn’t a table near you, cover your face and head with your arms and crouch in an inside corner of the building. Read more here: http://www.fema.gov/hazard/earthquake/eq_during.shtm
22. Yes. Smoking is bad for you. I know, I know, a fag with a cocktail can be oh so tempting, but…it’s still bad for you. Chain-smoking especially. And if you do it long enough, it’ll just make you look like a tired, dried up old prune. And the smoker’s cough–not sexy…