Dear Dr. Sex, why is it that when we meet a potential suitor, suddenly we’re building them up to be the greatest lover in the world, or the sweetest this and the most amazing that—even if they’re a total a-hole?
Some intellectuals will go the biological route and say we go into hormonal overload when we first get down and dirty with someone, and everything from our ovaries and testes to our pituitary gland is in 5th gear. Cupid strikes, Venus rules the bedroom, and our blinders are on for the first six to nine months of dating. Our potential suitor can do no wrong (not even when he doesn’t return your call for three days) and the fact that he leaves the toilet seat up…is endearing.
My dearest Hannah, most of us have met that certain somebody that made us crazy yet calmed the emotional storm at the same time. A person that would be a better fit for a straight jacket yet we fit them into our lives whole-heartedly and unapologetically. Why? Because I believe this “blinders” phase (however hot-in-the-sack it may be) is more deeply rooted. Often times the relationship our parents have, or their multiple divorces, sends us on a quest—to fix, or mold into perfection anyone that makes us feel important, sends us a nice smile, or gives us a good fuck. We meet someone that fills a void in ourselves, which we either acknowledge or suppress, and because that special someone masks our insecurities or pain, they are “perfect”.
[private_SLH Book Club]Most people want to be loved so badly they’ll slap reality in the face and trade it in for a shot of utopia. The illusion feels so good they mistake it for reality and nothing anyone says or does can alter their skewed perception. Fantasy partner build up can make us do things we’d never normally do and put up with things we should never tolerate. We’d rather have the illusion of love and security than nothing at all, because we have a fear…of ending up alone as the neighborhood cat lady or the old creepy guy at the club.
If you’re with someone that isn’t giving you everything you need or making you feel the way you deserve to feel, ask yourself why you’re with them. Is his spending every weekend partying with the boys a sign of healthy independence, or are you settling? You may find after some soul searching that they’re more a band-aid than a boyfriend. Don’t give up on finding a good partner and true love; but, always stay in check with yourself. That loving partner could be right around the corner. Well, behind the masses of tools, scrubs, and pigeons out on the dating scene.
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