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Amazing night with amazing new guy, and no sex.

Posted by on Feb 13, 2003 in Life and Style | 0 comments

I hung out with Mr. Smyth last night. It was awesome! We didn’t even have sex. He told me he was starting to feel sick, and I thought, perfect opportunity to JUST hang out with him.

Fuck. I dig this guy. Like I REALLY dig this guy. It makes me scared. I haven’t dug someone like this since…The Ex? Here’s the scary part though, it wasn’t like this with The Ex. Or Maybe it’s just so different with Mr. Smyth.

I think I’m freaking out because I really don’t know how he feels about me, and I am loving everything about him. He’s not perfect, no one is. It’s just weird because I haven’t had such a huge emotional connection to someone since The Ex, but probably more like Warner, where it was just bliss all the way through. Well, until the end.

I just feel so compelled to completely absorb him. And then I think, maybe I’m just rebounding, or maybe he’s rebounding.

Every time I see him, I dig him more. That’s scary. Makes me worried I’m getting all caught up in a guy that maybe doesn’t feel the same way. But he’s calling, we talk on the phone, probably every other day, and we talk forever.

So last night, no sex. The sex is AMAZING, and I was starting to think: what if this is just a sex thing for him? So I showed up with my hair in a bun and in sweaties, and gave him a peck on the cheek. Then we just snuggled up, first on the couch to watch Sling Blade, and then in bed. Instead of making out, we made tea. He was so affectionate all night, and this morning, started kissing and massaging my back—but no sex. God, I am totally fucking digging this guy! So good, but so freaky.

OK, gotta jet, on my way to Lola’s.

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Reasons not to call The Ex.

Posted by on Jan 4, 2003 in Life and Style | 0 comments

My journals are signed and sealed. Put away after the last “incident”, which led to the break-up. So I’m writing on this ratty yellow scrap from work.

I wonder whether things would have turned out differently if The Ex hadn’t read my journal. Maybe. Or maybe we just would have prolonged the inevitable. Could I have said or done something different that would have changed the outcome? It doesn’t make sense to anaylyze this type of shit, but it’s hard to stop.

The fact is, I wanted more than he was willing or able to give last year. The fact is that I was mostly unhappy last year. The fact is that I felt like a punching bag all last year. And the fact is that I did cheat on him. I need to look at myself; stick with therapy and figure out why I made the choices I made.

I wonder if he’s serious about moving on this time. Maybe I just fucked up one too many times and he has put me in a place in his heart that consists of past loves. A love that was, but can never be again. And maybe I need to do the same. Maybe there were too many problems from the beginning to fix. Maybe there just weren’t enough feelings on my part to want to fix those problems. And maybe last year’s fight to have him in my life was more about me being scared to be alone rather than me fighting for the love of my life.

I love him. Very deeply. But love is not everything in a relationship. I love Jack, but I wouldn’t marry him. The right relationship is a collage of the right…pieces. And most importantly, the right relationship is about timing. I know things would have been different if I’d met The Ex two years ago instead of five.

So I am back in therapy. To help me get through this I suppose, but also for me. To help figure me out again because somehwere between my last therapy session and today I lost what I had gained. And I need to get it back.

I have to make a vow to myself not to call The Ex. Dr. B suggested I write a list of reasons not to call. So here goes:

1. I always had doubts about whether he was “the one”.

2. The Ex is not willing to forgive me, or let go of the past, which keeps disharmony in our relationship.

3. I need to work on my issues and fears before I can be in a strong, healthy relationship.

4. He needs to work on his issues, cuz I’m not the only one with issues. If we do ever decide to get back together.

5. I do NOT want to be in a relationship out of fear or desperation.

6. I can’t convince, or beg, someone to be in a relationship with me.

7. I realize that as difficult and painful as this all is, time heals all wounds.

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