Almost exactly a year later to the date I’m looking at this confession I recorded for a TV show that never came to be, wondering what has really changed. In a lot of ways, me and hubbie are still in the exact same position, not sure where our relationship is heading, uncertain about our careers; me still trying to figure out whether I’m cut out for monogamy, he, still appalled at the notion of alternative lifestyles.
But a lot has also changed. I suddenly feel this urgency to have a baby. I’m 35 going on 36 and feeling that if it’s going to happen it needs to happen now, before I lose interest. I need something to change to feel like we’re moving forward in our relationship, even amidst all the uncertainty with “us”, and our careers, and money, and lack of health insurance… Except we’re still not really having sex; not like we used to anyway, not how you probably should be if you want to have a baby with someone.
I have also become completely obsessed with moving. I need new surroundings, new energy, a new inspiration. I find myself looking on Craigslist, Realtor.com, and Airbnb nightly for alternatives, yet not quite sure what makes the most sense financially. Sometimes I think a getaway for a week, to finish the next draft of my book, is all I need. Sometimes I think we need a much longer separation than that.
So nothing has changed, yet a lot has changed. I feel, like never before, that we’re as close as we’ve ever been to the brink. That we’re either going to get our shit together, get handed a break, and walk away together from that brink, never looking back, or we’re going to step just a little too far, and fall, completely apart.
I know lust is one of the seven deadly sins, but sometimes it feels good to lust, because it gives you reason to motivate, and make a list, and save accordingly, so you can get a select few items that you know will help make you feel sexy in 2012, in just the right way.
photo: thank you to my good friend Big T for sharing this image:)
I was going to do a lot more writing this week, and blogging, but somehow, between still dealing with the famdamnily being in town, and getting a nasty stomach flu neither of the above got accomplished.
So…I guess I only have time for one last post this year: New Year’s Resolutions. But first, a look at my last year’s resolutions, and how I did.
Getting a career going…well…still trying, especially to be a New York Times Best-Selling Author, while shleppin’ as an independent contractor, and so grateful my one steady client has been really good to me this year. Ass perkiness…definitely improving, and I even have a gym membership again. Money spending…has definitely been at a minimum…aside from the trip to Europe, but the important thing is I’ve managed to hit zero credit card debt, and planning on keeping it that way. Speaking of Europe…it wasn’t “exotic” per se, but going to Europe for three weeks was an awesome break from the ordinary. Writing five days a week…not quite, I could’ve done better, but I had moments of real commitment. My schedule…not perfect, but definitely getting better, and what’s perfect anyway…
What do I want from 2012?
A healthy and happy baby. Of course it would have been better if it happened au natural, accidentally, during a hot night of passion, like six years ago when I first met hubbie, but I’ve hit 35, and I’m kind of a planner, and…the whole Dragon having a Dragon baby is just too intriguing to pass up.
A house. Or maybe more accurately a move to something new. As much as I’ve enjoyed living in our place, it’s been five years, and I feel like it’s time for change.
Finish up the Sex, Life, & Hannah Summer Season and Fall Season. That will give me four books, and one complete year in the life of Hannah. That was always the goal, and I’m ready to complete the goal.
Start meditating again. A few years back I was meditating regularly, for about six months, and even though it wasn’t the easiest thing to be dedicated too, it was a very grounding and positive experience.
Continue to be more financially stable. Maybe that means getting a job, or more clients, or maybe that means doing more to sell Sex, Life, & Hannah, or hubbie’s screenplay, but whatever it means, it better have everything to do with the above image.
It’s been a challenging week. Everything from the blow up over the offer on the house, to the continued drama over my sister’s behavior and lifestyle, to the critical assessments over why me and hubbie aren’t further ahead, to my parent’s status quo bickering over everything. I just want to scream: Why can’t we all just ever get along?!?!?
But I’m not going to. I’ve done enough screaming already. Instead I’m going to do what I always do, pick up the pieces and move on. See the good instead of the bad, glass half full not empty kind of thing, and love my family, even though they can be extremely challenging at times.
Unconditional love is a bitch sometimes. Merry Christmas.
At the age of 35 there are a few things I have come to realize. Like the fact that when I have money I like to spend it, not save it (hence, no more credit cards). Denying myself things is not one of my strengths, because even if those things only bring a short thrill, I believe in having as many thrills as possible in life. Ala, when I walked into Telltale Vintage a couple weeks ago to return a shirt, I walked out with two others, and…this fabulous, locally made, leather cuff by Girl on a Motorcycle.
I’ve also realized that life takes a lot of courage. People will try to bring you down, love will try to break you, and loss will make you doubt yourself. And this will happen over, and over, again. It takes a lot of courage to keep going and not check out, stay strong, continue to believe in yourself, and everything you’re working towards.
This December, remember that there are 55 different words for courage, and that a small purchase at a local vintage store may give you just enough of a thrill to believe in yourself again.