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My iPod Tells a Tale

Posted by on Dec 15, 2012 in LISTS | 0 comments


I ran across a note while snooping around my BFs Facebook page the other day… Something I recognized from a few years back that went around like a viral affair, but that I never got around to doing until this AM. Sometimes music is the only thing that will make you feel better and put a smile on your face. So here goes, my musical answers to 20 questions:

1. What do your friends think of you?

Tan Cañi – Alhoeverah – (So Gypsy…)

2. If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say?

Badlife – My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult (“He’ll castrate your soul and penetrate your mind. Words are words no matter how you pay the price.”)

3. How would you describe yourself?

In My Dreams – Eels (“A force of nature on her own to be reckoned with.”)

4. What do you like in a guy/girl?

Unnatural Selection – Muse (“Another chance to erase it then repeat it again.”)

5. How do you feel today?

A Place Called Tarot – Tantra (Old disco remixed. Oh yeah.)

6. What is your life’s purpose?

In My Bed – Amy Winehouse (“…separate sex with emotion.”)

7. What is your motto?

Calle Sol – Nickodemus (Sun Street)

8. What do you think about very often?

Asylum Disciple – My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult (“Tie me up, in another world. Tie me up, tie me down, tie me up. Tie me up, in another world. Tie me up, tie me up, tie me up, tie me down…”)

9. What is 2 + 2?

Pretty Young Thing – Michael Jackson (“Now is the perfect time. Let me take you to the max.”)

10. What do you think of your best friend?

Heartbreaker – Pat Benatar (“You’re the right kind of sinner to release my inner fantasy.”)

11. What do you think of the person you like?

Everything is New – Jack Peñate (…that’s the way it feels.)

12. What is your life story?

Dancin’ Til Dawn – Lenny Kravitz (“Like a bullet from a gun, the DJ makes a run, when she feels a beat my baby, I can’t get her off the floor, she keeps me dancin’ til dawn.”)

13. What do you want to be when you grow up ?

Blind – Hercules and Love Affair (“As a child I knew that the stars could only get brighter…now that I’m older the stars shed light upon my face.”)

14. What do you think of when you see the person you like?

Black Sunglasses – Mount Sims (“Black. Black sunglasses. Black sunglasses, famous faces, obscene thoughts, scandalous places. No photos, no photos.”)

15. What will you dance to at your wedding?

Superstylin’ – Groove Armada (“Enter in the dance, plug it in an we begin.”)

16. What will they play at your funeral?

Summertime Rolls – Jane’s Addiction (“Fell into a sea of grass and disappeared among the shady blades…”)

17. What is your hobby/interest?

Lady (Hear Me Tonight) – Mood (“As we dance by the moonlight, can’t you see my delight?”)

18. What is your biggest fear?

Stay the Same – Bent

19. What is your biggest secret?

In Your Line – Telepathe (“I’ll leave it all behind, I’ll leave it all behind.”)

20. What do you think of your friends?

Fortune – Little Dragon (“Mountain of pearls to sooth the soul, gold and silver and silk to cover the old, clocks and rubies crushing these hard bones I’m going blind from too many shiny stones.”)

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RULES! Part 20.

Posted by on Oct 23, 2012 in LISTS | 0 comments



130. Don’t ever wear rubber and foam footwear (a.k.a. flip flops) to a wedding. And if you do, don’t be surprised if someone (like me) pulls you aside and whacks you really hard across the head, maybe even bends you over their knee and spanks the shit out of you (and no, not in a foreplay kind of way). For the love of the sweet baby Jesus that so many in this world devote their life to, can we please bring back a little class? Or has this world just gone to ghetto white trash hell? Have some pride people. This country was not built on the casual “surfer” look.

131. Don’t ever quibble with someone over $2 or $3, and then try to get a free drink out of their husband. Especially if that someone and their husband hooked you up with the best work contract of your life, which continues to lead you to more work, for which you can’t even be bothered to write that someone and their husband a thank-you card or take them out to dinner like you swore you would. Seriously. You self-absorbed, ungrateful, cheap-ass.

132. Don’t ever suggest dinner at a strip mall. Strip malls are for lunch, take-out, and those nights when you’re feeling not sexy, or like: god-I’m-just-way-too-fucking-tired-and-over-my-life-to-cook. Strip malls are NOT for those evenings when you are hosting out-of-towners you haven’t seen in years and whose wife you really don’t know all that well, but you do know that she lives in a big city, is wearing heels and a nice dress, and sometimes writes blog posts about inappropriate social behavior.

133. Don’t ever confuse a Skor bar for dark chocolate. A Skor bar is butter toffee covered in milk chocolate. And even though technically dark chocolate only needs a 35% cocoa content, we all know that anything with less than a %65 cocoa content is gauche.

134. Don’t ever be the preacher of accountability and reliability and honesty and of knowing how to “be a good friend”, and tell your friend you will be attending their birthday party only to not show up without so much as a phone call or even text. And then not even be bothered enough to call them the next day or week or month to apologize with some lame excuse, after they have ran to the opposite ends of Los Angeles for you on more than one occasion just to be by your side because you asked them to, just because they considered you a friend.

135. You know it’s a bad fucking day when you realize your entire collection of vibrators is broken.

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May 2012 Playlist

Posted by on Jun 1, 2012 in LISTS | 0 comments


I think there’s certain feelings that you capture with such perfection you can’t help but want to feel them again. Like that feeling of connecting with someone, on every level, that sends you on a thrill ride for days. It’s better than any man-made high.

You can’t, you shouldn’t, deny yourself these perfect highs. Some might say this is selfish. I say, you’re only young and beautiful and sexual for such a brief period in the period that is your life, you must do it. You certainly won’t be able to do it when you’re buried at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

Here’s what I’ve been listening to in May:

1. Summertime by Janis Joplin

2. Pirate in the Water by Santigold

3. Lebanese Blonde by Thievery Corporation

4. Heartbreaker by Crazy P

5. Black & Blue by Miike Snow

6. Feel So Close by Calvin Harris

7. Bright Lights by Gary Clark Jr.

8. Hollywood Forever Cemetary Sings byFather John Misty



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RULES! Part 19.

Posted by on May 24, 2012 in LISTS | 1 comment



117. Do not fly Spirit Airlines. They suck, and will fuck you out of your flight without even a hint of remorse in their eyes. Jet Blue is way better.

118. Do not pop four Extra Strength Tylenol…and some illicit drug, on an empty stomach. You may end up feeling really sick and hurling all over the floor of a restaurant because you didn’t make it to the bathroom.

119. Cabanas are a must.

120. Bottle service is a must, but only if someone else is paying.

121. If you put down $100 at a Blackjack table and lose it in 10 minutes, do not put down a second $100 because you will most definitely lose it in another 10 minutes and definitely not redeem yourself, or show that dealer, or prove something to the casino.

122. If you wonder why you can never seem to get past first base, you need to take a long, hard look at your kissing abilities. They probably suck, as much as Spirit Airlines. Take a lesson. Or two.

123. If you’ve only been dating someone for eight months and the sex has already gone downhill…it’s over. You should definitely not be thinking about marrying them. You should instead go hang out with that hunky hockey player that’s been hitting on you all night. Guilt free.

124. But do not sleep with the promoter.

125. And definitely do not leave your wallet and iPhone in your pockets when pool side. There is a strong likelihood you will have one too many SoCo and waters, and walk into the pool, with all those lifelines still in your pockets, and end up having to dry your money and your cards and your condoms in the sun.  And off the grid, because iPhones are not waterproof. And writing a chapter in your memoir titled “The Payphone Years”.

126. You never know who you will be attracted to. So throw that list away.

127. However, no woman will ever be attracted to back hair and a beer belly. Wax that shit and get on a treadmill.

128. Familiarity is the kiss of death.

129. There are very good reasons for why what happens in Vegas…should always stay in Vegas. And everyone who’s been to Vegas and is over the age of 21 knows those reasons.

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Coachella 2012 Hitlist

Posted by on Apr 12, 2012 in LISTS | 0 comments


Many of you took an extra day off work, and are right now packing, or have already hit the road to Indio for three days of music high. I can’t say I’m not jealous, and I can say that if I wasn’t in the midst of trying to get the Sex, Life, & Hannah Summer Season out the door I would be doing the same, with hubbie, who has never been.

If I was off to Coachella this year, these are the bands that would be on my hitlist:

Afrojack  - Take Over Control
Breakbot – Baby I’m Yours
David Guetta – Sexy Chick
Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg – Still Dre
Florence+the Machine – Howl
Jimmy Cliff – Give the People What they Want
Le Butcherettes – I’m Getting Sick of You
Metronomy – The Bay
Miike Snow – Black and Blue
M83 – Midnight City
Santigold – Disparate Youth
SBTRKT – Wildfire
Seun Kuti – Rise
Tijuana Panthers – Summer Fun
The Black Keys – Gold on the Ceiling
Wolf Gang – Back to Back


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RULES! Part 18.

Posted by on Feb 23, 2012 in LISTS | 0 comments


112. You know you’d do well in Australia when the last four Australians you met: 1. Asked you out. 2. When you told them you weren’t available, said “Australia is half way ’round the world, he’ll never find out.” 3. When you said, no thanks, said, “you know we’ve got the cleanest penises in the world”, 4. After you gave them a contemplative look, but still declined said, “alright. So… are you into girl-on-girl stuff?”

113. You know you’ve thrown a great party when you get an email that goes a little something like this: Yeah–ummm I woke up missing my dress…it was gold and black…have you seen it? BTW fab party! And I’m really really hung over. And I really love you guys. I’m gonna go throw up now.

114. You know you’re not gay if you’re still sleeping with the opposite sex. True story. It’s called bisexual.

115. You know everything in life comes down to a 50/50 chance, so you can’t NOT do something just because you’re afraid of rejection. Otherwise you’ll lose half your life to some ridiculous, fear-based, insecure notion.

116. You know what you should do if you’re single and have some cash? This:

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