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Open to Possibilities

Posted by on Mar 6, 2013 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

 

A few days ago I received a request from a lovely Twitter follow to answer a few questions for her dissertation. And you know me, one of my favorite things to do is ask and answer questions…even if it’s about unscrupulous things.

Q. How do you secure a date and make yourself desirable?

A. I think the only way to “secure” dates, if there is such a thing, is to keep yourself open to all possibilities. Often people create ideas in their head about the perfect partner, and turn down everyone that doesn’t meet exactly what’s in their head. I’m not saying you aren’t entitled to your desires or certain standards, or even that you should settle, but dating should be about saying “yes” more often than “no”.

Desirability is all about how you feel inside. Certainly we all make first impressions by how we appear on the outside, and while that may be good enough to attract a one-night stand, it’s not enough to attract the kind of person you may want to have a relationship with. Confidence comes from knowing who you are, and knowing you are being the best you possible. This is why you should always work on yourself first before even entering the dating scene. If you enter the dating scene when you have personal issues you need to work on, you will most likely only attract people who are in the same boat.

To tie the two together, if you feel good about the person that you are and continue to say “yes”, you will not be surprised by the amount of dates you will be able to secure.

Q. Have you ever tried anything particularly new when it comes to dating, for example, a singles lock and key party? If so, how have or haven’t you benefited from it?

A. I personally have not ventured much into dating gimmicks and still believe that talking to as many people as possible, one-on-one, whether it’s at a party, bar, park, or plane, is the best way to meet eligible partners. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t go to events specifically set up for singles, but at the end of the day, it is the ability to have that intimate one-on-one conversation that’s going to get you to exchange numbers with someone.

Q. How have you approached sex and romance as a single girl? And how have you benefited from your approach?

A. In general, my approach to everything in life (including sex and romance) is to remain open to all possibilities. By exploring and experiencing you learn a lot about yourself and it only makes you more confident and puts you on the right path to making deeper connections with people. Don’t be discouraged that every date doesn’t turn into some kind of a commitment. Enjoy the sex and the romance as much as the serious stuff; it’s all part of your journey.

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Love Nonsense

Posted by on Oct 2, 2012 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

 

Q. My worst crush experience is with my next door neighbor. She was (still is) overly flirty, gives me love looks when I look at her, blushes… I even caught her looking up swooning at me once like she was in love with me. Originally I met her when she got locked out of her apartment. She came over, all smiling and friendly, asking for help, so I did. Then I decided to write a note to her, and taped it to her door. Except her guy roommate (not her boyfriend) got to it first, started knocking on my door, and when I opened it, told me not to contact her again. Told me she has a boyfriend and is not even interested in being friends with me. So I avoided her for weeks, until we bumped into each other. She started eye humping me again, playing with her hair, trying to get my attention. But then another time I over hear her passing by with her boyfriend, saying she believes she has a possible stalker. I avoid her now and everyone else in the apartment building.

I get a lot of women that puppy dog me, i.e. they treat me like a viable romantic interest yet have no interest other than viewing me as a cute puppy in a store window. It’s made me believe that love is utter bullshit nonsense. That love is largely people deluding themselves and feeding on their own emotional states believing it’s shared. What do you think?

A. I think this girl in particular is not a girl that you want to get caught up with. First of all, she has a boyfriend, second of all, she lives with an overprotective male roommate. This screams attention-whore to me, and even if she was single you’d be constantly battling with that side of her; that side of her that needs to feel like she has a harem because she’s afraid to be alone as much as she is to be in one committed relationship.

As for feeling like you’re always getting “puppy dogged”…don’t take every smile so seriously. I’m not saying that there aren’t people that intentionally or accidentally send mixed signals. But consider that we live in a tech-heavy society, and most people spend their days looking at LCDs instead of human faces, which disconnects us from real human emotion. This is why when we finally make that human connection, a simple gesture of being kind can be easily misconstrued for lust or love.

Love is not bullshit. There are examples of love everywhere; from people renewing their wedding vows after 30 years together to people trying to save the oceans. But love is a journey not a destination, and a different journey for everyone. Some people find their one true love in high school, others bounce around from one relationship to the next their entire lives, and still others wait many long years to meet that right connection. Don’t lose faith, and learn to enjoy the journey.

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Do More Relationships Make Him A Better Boyfriend?

Posted by on Sep 18, 2012 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

 

I get it, ladies. I get why 60% of you answering the latest Sex, Life, & Hannah poll believe the measure of a boyfriend is how many times he’s been a boyfriend. And I agree with you – that is, on the measurable stuff. A guy who’s danced the long-term tango a few times can likely hit all the logistical marks: he remembers your anniversary, your favorite flower, and what not to nickname your butt. He knows that no good can ever come of the sentence, “But you said yourself that your mother’s a bitch!” He knows, as long as he’s with you, it’s always hoes before bros. And even then, it’s a very short, pre-screened list of bros (Boner Bob can take someone else “titty hunting”).

Basically, he knows how to not piss you off.

Don’t get me wrong–these things are important, and can save you some headaches down the line. But I’m here to play devil’s advocate, and argue in favor of the starry-eyed relationship novice. He may not be house-broken, but hey, isn’t it kind of endearing that he pees himself a little every time he sees you?

A boyfriend with less experience, albeit less experienced, does have his perks. Here’s a few to chew on:

1. He’s not a compulsive long-termer. Yes, one or two long-term relationships can say “willing to commit”. However, if he’s spent his entire dating life bouncing from one four-year relationship to the next, it could mean he’s afraid to be alone… or simply doesn’t know how. Anyone who’s spent a good amount of time being single knows that it’s pretty essential for figuring out who you are. A guy who’s taken that time might have more to offer you than Emma’s-Boyfriend-Turned-Ally’s-Boyfriend-Turned-Sarah’s-Boyfriend-Turned-Jenna’s-Boyfriend.

2. He’s not worn out and jaded. Relationships take a lot out of us. And when the long ones send us through the ringer, only to spit us back out into singledom again, many of us grow weary of the whole process. With a newbie, you get to jade him. All. By. Yourself.

3. You don’t have to outclass his exes. As long as you’re dating a serial monogamist, there will always be something that some girlfriend did better than you. Even if he won’t admit it, it’s always there. Lurking. Waiting for you to bend over backwards (perhaps literally… that kinky slut!) to surpass it. Gosh, that’s tiring. Why not set the bar yourself?

I say to the 60% of you leery of the relationship newbie: take a chance. So long as the dude genuinely wants to be with you, a bit of etiquette training is likely no big thang. And donʼt sweat–if you have any trouble, you can always have your last boyfriend fill him in on the repercussions of calling your butt Chunky Monkey.

Jenni Perez authored the 2008-2009 edition of the popular sex issues column, “The Wednesday Hump,” in UC Santa Barbara’s Daily Nexus. Her leap from writing about early twenties dating angst to late twenties relationship anxiety is a natural fit.

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Oral Pleasure Part 2

Posted by on Sep 11, 2012 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

 

Last week Dr. Sex discussed how communication, enthusiasm, and confidence can help get any oral session off to a good start, today, techniques…

A couple basics before we get into specific techniques: 1) Too much or too little saliva can be a turn off, 2) Tongues can be loose or flattened. Generally the pointy tongue flicking move works better for porn than in real life. But occasionally women dig the flick, 3) Facial scruff can feel abrasive (would you want a handjob with sandpaper?), 4) Fingernails should be trimmed, even manicured. 5) Know the hygiene expectations of everyone involved. Oral sex after a no-shower weekend camping trip or post Runyan Canyon hike may be hot or not.

Technique #1: One of my biggest pet peeves these days is the rush to get to the clitoris. Thirty years ago the clitoris and g-spot were like foreign strangers for many male cunnilingers (let’s pretend that’s a word). Today, it seems men are running the 100 meter dash to get to the clitoris. Why the rush? A full vulva oral sex experience is often much more fulfilling for a woman than a direct line to the clitoris. Unless the oral is happening in a Vegas elevator, there’s no hurry. Take your time exploring and licking her inner thighs, labias, clitoral hood, pubic region, perineum, and show off that passion and enthusiasm while you’re doing it. If it’s simply a rushed journey to the clitoris, you’re missing the point of making your partner feel desirable, pampered, and cared for. Taking your time before getting to the clitoris can create psychological arousal, increase desire, bring blood to the genitals (increasing sensitivity), and offer the gradual build up that many women enjoy.

Technique #2: When you do make it to the clitoris, you’ll find that most women prefer some consistency and repetitive patterns so they can focus, become mindful of their pleasure and sensation, and get into the moment. That’s not to suggest being monotonous or lacking in variety is the way to go, but the old oral sex suggestion of spelling the entire alphabet on her vulva is more of a myth than a reality. You might want to stick with “O” (circular tongue motions), “I” (up and down motions), and “T” (side to side tongue motions with the occasional up and down).  Give each a fair amount of time to see which one she responds to most. Here is where a little quick, in the moment communication can be very helpful. Clit suction can also be pleasurable. Place your moistened lips around her clitoris and clitoral hood and gently suck. A little pressure can be pleasurable, as well as using your tongue to circle her clitoris or explore underneath her clitoral hood.

Technique #3: Even though oral sex technically means using your mouth, there’s no rule against using your hands. This isn’t soccer. Our hands can stimulate different areas of her body and offer some variety with sensation. Take your thumbs and apply circular motions to her labias while orally pleasuring her. Put pressure on her pubic region (mons pubis – loads of nerve endings) with the palm of your hand. Gently massage her inner thighs, butt, stomach, and breasts. If she enjoys anal stimulation, some internal or external anal play can also send shivers up her spine in a very good way. One or two fingers inside her vagina can add the pleasurable feelings of fullness, pressure, or G-spot stimulation (use that “come hither” motion). Sex researchers have found that certain areas of the opening to the vagina are more pleasurable when stimulated. If the vagina was a clock, the 4pm and 8pm are those spots. Insert two thumbs inside the vagina and add a slight pressure to those regions for additional pleasure. One of my favorite advanced fingering techniques is the corkscrew. Take your index and middle fingers and cross them. Insert slowly and gently inside the vagina and work up to a twisting corkscrew motion. Once you get the rhythm of licking and corkscrewing, it’s like riding a bike; you’ll never forget.

Technique #4: One of the last frontiers to be explored with cunnilingus is using sex toys during oral. A few open-minded cunnilingers have tried this with partners and I say, bravo to these trailblazers. Why not use some battery-operated firepower to enhance your sex life? The Sqweel is a wheel with multiple mini tongues that spins around like a ferris wheel. It’s great for clitoral, perineum, or anus mechanical lickings. Just remember to not bring the bacteria from the anus to the vagina with mouths, fingers, or toys. My personal favorite is the We-Vibe II. It is shaped like a “U” and one end is inserted inside the vagina to stimulate the G-spot while the other end is on the exterior pleasuring the clitoris. I’ve also found success with placing a Hitachi Magic Wand on her pubic region or clitoris. Do not be threatened by sex toys; they offer variety, not replacement, and enable you to explore your imagination and creativity during oral sex. If there is ever a Transformer sex toy line, I swear I’ll be their spokesperson for free. Optimus Prime, Megatron, Bumblebee, Starscream…great sex toy names.

Dr. Sex, better known as Dr. Hernando Chaves in Beverly Hills, is a Psychotherpist and Clinical Sexologist. He can be reached at sexologydoc@aol.com or 310.749.5777.

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Oral Pleasure Part 1

Posted by on Sep 6, 2012 in Relationships and Sex | 1 comment

 


Q. Dear Dr. Sex, Once the high of the new-and-unknown has worn off, and your significant other can no longer peel your panties off just by wearing that perfectly hugging v-neck t-shirt and jeans with that perfect come hither look… “skills” become ever more important. Especially “skills” that can turn an evening into either a hot foreplay session or an analytical dissection under a magnifying glass of the status of your sex life. Can you give me some advice that I can pass on to everyone interested in improving their oral skills around a female’s most private of parts?

A. Cunnilingus.

Or as my auto correct calls it: Connecticut, is simply an awful word. Could we come up with something a little sexier? Never in the history of my sex life—and probably yours—has that word been used in a sexy manner. But we all know that knowing how to lick the lotus flower in a sexy manner can be a very useful “skill”.

Let me begin with Point #1, the most important point: Talking about oral sex. You’ve heard a hundred times how important communication is for sex. Here’s your 101st lecture. The best lovers are the best communicators. Sure we can go into sex with a host of knowledge and techniques in our bag of tricks, but there are always women with needs that are specific to her arousal and her orgasm. Whether it’s the tickle behind the knees, nipple stimulation, or the firm squeezing of her butt during oral to reach orgasm, most women know how to pleasure their own body. And if you don’t ask, she may not tell you.

Communication can happen anywhere; before sex, in the moment, after sex, or over the phone. It’s important to be comfortable with direction, feedback, asking questions, and offering compliments and encouragement. A bottle of wine, a few good questions about pleasure, and actually remembering her answers could be the difference between being Don Juan or long gone. I stress the remembering part. If you aren’t memorizing her pleasure menu, then what’s the point? Too many females have confided in me that their partner forgets what they like. They get tired of telling them and eventually stop telling them. It’s a sign of respect, effort, and how important they are to remember their needs. You should be able to write an article on how your partner likes it. If you can’t, maybe bring a notepad next time.

Point #2… Show some enthusiasm and passion when you’re between her knees. If going down on her looks like you’re eating lima beans, you may need to change your attitude. We’re all human, everyone has insecurities, and it’s inevitable that thoughts creep into our minds during sex. Let her know you’re happy to be there and give her the peace of mind she needs to focus on her pleasure. We all know how important our mindset is during sex. It’s nice for a woman with her legs spread open to hear your light moaning, your subtle comments of loving the moment or how she tastes, and showing a genuine enjoyment of her genitals and body. There are so many ways to show this enthusiasm and passion; with your hands massaging her body, taking your time licking, heavy breathing, eye contact, passionate squeezes of her body, etc. If Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, make oral sex with her the second.

Point #3… Add a strong dose of confidence. How? I’m a big believer that we have to combine feeling competent with good experiences to create boosts in confidence. One of the best ways is through sex education. Reading this article is sex ed. Reading books or watching videos on oral sex (and that doesn’t include porn) is another great way to improve your skill and technique. If you’re shy about exposing yourself to sex ed, that’s more reason to do it. You can view resources in the privacy of your own home and most online distributors mail resources discreetly. Sometimes exposure can lead to arrest, but this kind of exposure may lead you to that glorious moment after orgasm, when they look you in the eyes, pat your head gently, and say, “that was amazing.” Three little words that produce a good experience that will boost your confidence forever. Even if orgasm isn’t reached, you can still take away confidence from experiences. When I hear changes in breathing patterns, moaning, see her hands massaging her breasts and body, or notice her hips rocking, I know there’s a good chance she’s experiencing pleasure and enjoying this. I’m taking that as a positive and putting that in my little piggy bank of sexual positive reinforcement.

Some of my favorite oral sex ed includes books and videos by: Violet Blue, Dr. Sonia Borg, Dr. Ava Cadell, Dr. Debby Herbenick, and Lou Paget. There are no short cuts or cliff note versions to sexpertise, but if you put in the time with sex and relationships you will experience all you can from them.

Next time, points turn into actual techniques, stay tuned…

Dr. Sex, better known as Dr. Hernando Chaves in Beverly Hills, is a Psychotherpist and Clinical Sexologist. He can be reached at sexologydoc@aol.com or 310.749.5777.

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