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What I Learned: If you’re always wrong, you’re not in the right relationship.

Posted by on Jun 2, 2010 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

The shit we’ll put up with when we’re in love with someone…

Here are 3 ways to recognize when someone is manipulating you:

1. They make you feel guilty about everything.

2. Everything is always YOUR fault.

3. They’re always right, you’re always wrong.

If this is going on in your relationship, find a better relationship! Seriously. There’s billions of people in this world. And about half are men.

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Desperately Seeking Dead-end Studs.

Posted by on May 27, 2010 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

deadend-diva

You know what? I’m calling your bluff this time around, ladies. Although I commend you for playing the I’m-stronger-than-my-gender-stereotype card and voting in favor of dumping the wishy-washy womanizer, I’m a little skeptical. Don’t get me wrong; I’m fully confident that you’re all competent women who can flip a U-turn on a dead-end fling (parallel parking, however, is a different story). But I’m willing to bet you’ve found yourself in the following scenario at least once:

You’ve been playing the field for quite some time, and have found yourself at a crossroad. Nick Niceman and Paul Player are two suitors who have captured your attention. Both are equally mind-blowing in bed, fun to talk to, and only slightly concerned by the array of phallic produce under your bed. Only one thing differentiates the dudes: Nick desires a relationship with you, and Paul just wants a regular bed buddy. Well, that makes things simple, right? Uh, wrong.

While Nick makes plans to meet your parents, travel to Europe, and go in on a pillow-top mattress together, you find yourself thinking of…Paul. You’re quite certain your parents wouldn’t like him. You wonder if he’s ever left Santa Monica, much less been to Europe. You know a pillow-top wouldn’t do much to help his back problem. And at every step of this thought process, you kick yourself, because you know the only thing Paul is thinking about is if you like it in the butt.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of, ladies. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been there. Many times. And surprise, surprise, so has Hannah. Cain had the makings of a five-star boyfriend—caring, honorable, hot, and keen on commitment. Mr. Smyth was two out of the four… on a good day. And while her better judgment told her to jump on the Cain Train, she let it leave the station, so she could sit at Mr. Smyth’s empty track.

Fun fact: Everyone wants what they can’t have. This isn’t a female trait, it’s a human trait. The dash of femininity added to this recipe—and another mind-fuck we can thank Disney and romantic comedies for—is the notion that we can “tame the beast,” or make the un-committable suddenly committable. As soon as we can liberate ourselves from this notion ladies, we can liberate ourselves from the cycle of falling for unsuitable men. Imagine that! A world where each girl can nab a guy who not only wants to sleep with her, but wants to wake up in the morning with her as well!

So, just how do we do this? Beats me. Call me when you figure it out.

Next we ponder: Should you ever settle?

Jenni Perez authored the 2008-2009 edition of the popular sex issues column, “The Wednesday Hump,” in UC Santa Barbara’s Daily Nexus. When she’s not contributing her thoughts about the trials of modern romance, she devotes much of her effort to sustainable living and recording music.

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What I Learned: Insecurities Can Make Us Forget to Love Ourselves

Posted by on May 14, 2010 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

Langdon you are so right! We all have insecurities, no matter how good-looking or successful. And sometimes those insecurities can get us into bad relationships. Surround yourself with positive people that love you and support you so that they can be there for you when you forget to be there for yourself. And love yourself! Self love is the most empowering thing in the world.

Thank you Langdon for sharing that amazing story! Langdon hosts Langdon Nation on Hot Talk LA.

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Mind Fucking yourself out of an Orgasm.

Posted by on May 13, 2010 in Relationships and Sex | 1 comment

sex-on-the-brain

Q. Dear Dr. Sex, I can’t seem to get stimulated and lubricated enough to have intercourse. Sometimes when I’m by myself I feel excited and wet and can masturbate, but when I’m with my boyfriend nothing seems to work and intercourse hurts. Help me before I decide to try taking “E” to attain that level of sexual excitement.

Why do the sex gods do this to us? Such teases… If we’re all lubed up and ready for the big dance by ourselves, why can’t this transfer over when we’re ready for a joyride on the pogo stick with a partner? There are a lot of pieces to this mysterious puzzle. The good news: you’re physiologically capable of arousal and the engine has the ability to function properly. The not so good news: it’s not always easy to control when the engine decides to work.

Our mind is our largest and most powerful sex organ. It has the ability to both enhance and inhibit our arousal. Some woman can come from pure fantasy alone with no direct physical stimulation (they “think” off) while others block their arousal and sexual response mechanisms because they think themselves out of arousal. To begin unraveling this predicament, examine your life. Did social constructs like religion or family expectation shape your sexual attitudes or comfort? Was there ever a time (teenage years, college, etc) when orgasms or arousal were more difficult?

Most of us feel safest when we’re alone and masturbating. There is no one there to judge us or critique us; no one to trigger our insecurities or add fuel to the thoughts we may be thinking about our bodies, our performance, and our concern for our partner’s pleasure. When we’re masturbating we’re not concerned about how our boobs look or whether our stomach looks trim or bloated. When we introduce a partner into the equation, all of a sudden there’s a magnifying glass on all our insecurities and baggage. A supportive lover, friend, or a therapist can help you overcome all those things that impact your arousal. With the right person’s help you will gain confidence and experience, you will become more secure with yourself and your body, and you will let go of those internal judgments that are inhibiting your sexual functioning.

[private_SLH Book Club]Pain can be a wonderful thing sexually—if it’s intended and welcomed. However, if you’re experiencing painful intercourse, there is inadequate arousal (the vaginal canal hasn’t elongated to its fully aroused state) or heightened anxiety (psychosomatic fears or insecurities may reduce arousal and increase pain). Both can be addressed and improved. Like I said, a supportive lover, friend, or a therapist can help you overcome the insecurities and baggage that impact your arousal. But what if you don’t have insecurities or baggage? A below average lover can definitely breed reduced excitement and arousal. Why get up if I know I’m going to be let down? This can turn into a vicious cycle and can turn sex from an incredible stress relief to an incredible stressor.

None of us are born lovers. We learn through experience; from having sex with partners. But if the information along the way is wrong or teaches us bad techniques…

Some guys think foreplay is a cover band that plays at the Whiskey. Even worse, other guys think porn is the guide to being a great lover. Open the lines of communication and decide to learn proper sex techniques as a couple. There are thousands of books on sex technique and hundreds of sex educational DVD’s that focus on becoming a better lover. There are also a lot of places that teach proper sex techniques. The Pleasure Chest on Santa Monica Blvd, Coco de Mer on Melrose Ave, JT’s Stockroom on Sunset Blvd (for the kinkier folks) all offer workshops that help people become better lovers. Instead of renting Avatar at Blockbuster Friday night, why not rent a sex education flick? I doubt those little blue aliens will help you get laid better.

The power to change your sexual functioning is within reach. It may take medical intervention like hormones, vitamins, or medications. But most likely, you just need to shift your perspective. Seek a therapist or supportive lover to work through your insecurities, and learn about good sex techniques. Yeah, you could probably take some “E” or stock up on lube to counter the lack of arousal, but that’s a quick fix, and will NOT solve your arousal problems long term.

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Dr. Sex, better known as Dr. Hernando Chaves in Beverly Hills, is a Psychotherpist and Clinical Sexologist. He can be reached at sexologydoc@aol.com or 310.749.5777.

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