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Should He Keep Pictures of His Ex Around? Hell No.

Posted by on Jan 12, 2010 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

Don’t you wish there was a single red flag that could pinpoint every relationship hang-up a man harbors? Don’t you wish that, when you stepped into his house, an automated voice would play over the mood music and wine-pouring, warning: Defect detected. Abort immediately?

As far as 83% of Think Tank respondents are concerned, such a signal exists. Oddly enough, it doesn’t lurk in the evidence that screams “eternal bachelor”—the Star Wars action figures, and the intimate friendships he’s found in World of Warcraft—but rather, in his history of sound monogamy. Yes, the history he’s got plastered all over his walls.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that women aren’t poster children for getting over past relationships. My head still reels every now and then with thoughts of a certain ex, and what could have been… But when a man decidedly puts the time and energy into pursuing a woman, a task ridden with such tedious details as scraping pizza off his ceiling and hiding his Backdoor Sluts collection, you would think he’d be able to shove the ol’ ex-girlfriend pics in a box.

Sure, when confronted, he’ll say things like: “I forgot it was even there”, or “It’s complicated”, or even point the finger back at you and ask “Aren’t you and your ex friends?” But mark my words, when a man (or woman) in the company of a new lover, keeps pictures of the ex around, it makes a number of statements—none good.

First, it says his romantic priorities may be elsewhere, and he’s likely biding his time until the off-again is on again. Second, it says that the most his current lover could ever hope for is “second best”. Or worse, it signals he’s just a jackass with no regard for any woman in his life. Getting busy with one woman under the picture of a Valentine’s Day visit to Disneyland with another woman doesn’t pay much respect to either. He may not understand how to value the sanctity of any relationship.

Had Hannah known how foreboding that picture frame on Mr. Smyth’s shelf really was, she might have saved herself from opening up his Pandora’s Box of Commitment Issues. Instead she became a fool in love, hoping he’d “change”. And we all know how fast change comes when you’re watching a ticking clock.

Next up: Is it possible for two people to be friends and lovers?

Jenni Perez authored the 2008-2009 edition of the popular sex issues column, “The Wednesday Hump,” in UC Santa Barbara’s Daily Nexus. When she’s not contributing her thoughts about the trials of modern romance, she devotes much of her effort to sustainable living and recording music.

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Building up the Bad Boys

Posted by on Dec 28, 2009 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

Dear Dr. Sex, why is it that when we meet a potential suitor, suddenly we’re building them up to be the greatest lover in the world, or the sweetest this and the most amazing that—even if they’re a total a-hole?

Some intellectuals will go the biological route and say we go into hormonal overload when we first get down and dirty with someone, and everything from our ovaries and testes to our pituitary gland is in 5th gear. Cupid strikes, Venus rules the bedroom, and our blinders are on for the first six to nine months of dating. Our potential suitor can do no wrong (not even when he doesn’t return your call for three days) and the fact that he leaves the toilet seat up…is endearing.

My dearest Hannah, most of us have met that certain somebody that made us crazy yet calmed the emotional storm at the same time. A person that would be a better fit for a straight jacket yet we fit them into our lives whole-heartedly and unapologetically. Why? Because I believe this “blinders” phase (however hot-in-the-sack it may be) is more deeply rooted. Often times the relationship our parents have, or their multiple divorces, sends us on a quest—to fix, or mold into perfection anyone that makes us feel important, sends us a nice smile, or gives us a good fuck. We meet someone that fills a void in ourselves, which we either acknowledge or suppress, and because that special someone masks our insecurities or pain, they are “perfect”.

[private_SLH Book Club]Most people want to be loved so badly they’ll slap reality in the face and trade it in for a shot of utopia. The illusion feels so good they mistake it for reality and nothing anyone says or does can alter their skewed perception. Fantasy partner build up can make us do things we’d never normally do and put up with things we should never tolerate. We’d rather have the illusion of love and security than nothing at all, because we have a fear…of ending up alone as the neighborhood cat lady or the old creepy guy at the club.

If you’re with someone that isn’t giving you everything you need or making you feel the way you deserve to feel, ask yourself why you’re with them. Is his spending every weekend partying with the boys a sign of healthy independence, or are you settling? You may find after some soul searching that they’re more a band-aid than a boyfriend. Don’t give up on finding a good partner and true love; but, always stay in check with yourself. That loving partner could be right around the corner. Well, behind the masses of tools, scrubs, and pigeons out on the dating scene.

[/private_SLH Book Club]

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Recipe for a Relationship Train Wreck

Posted by on Dec 12, 2009 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

Whether we like to admit it or not, rebounds are born of an extreme state of fucked-uppedness. I’ve had my fair share, and so has Hannah, most famously with boy-next-door Ben. We like to think there’s potential; but, truth is, rebounds are an act of desperation, typically incited by liquor, and conveniently utilized by estranged lovers to win a race of Olympic proportions: The 100-Meter Move-On Dash.

Rebounds are fueled by any (or all) of the following emotions:

  1. Anger. Your new lover’s whispered nothings are answered with, “Shut the fuck up!” as you hurl yourself on top of him, engaging in a ferocious game of Whack-a-Mole with his balls. Guess whose moles you have in mind…
  2. Longing. What he thinks are moans, are actually choked-back sobs (though, he might be a bit suspicious of the thunderous bellows of, “WHY?”). Name slips are also not uncommon, nor are the post-coital requests: “Could you hold me the way he, err…you used to?”
  3. Over-Zealousness. You pinch yourself trying to grasp the concept of being wanted by someone else. After a relationship that lasted long enough for you to wear stained granny panties to bed, forget shaving your legs, and talk openly about how phone calls with your mother give you flatulence—someone finds you sexy once again. This wonderful feeling can leave you committing all sorts of crazy, such as: A) stealing his boxers to smell on your lunch hour, B) breaking and entering his home to color-code his socks by degrees of black, and C) asking his kids to call you “Mommy”. After picking them up from school. Which he never asked you to do.

Any relationship that develops out of these three emotions has the fixings for a strained romance, at best. Could Hannah be happy in a relationship with Ben, condemned to long-term sub-par (albeit rippling-ab-graced) sex? The answer is: probably not, although sometimes it’s nice when a man doesn’t talk…

I’m with 75% of the Think Tank respondents: keep rebounds in your bed, and out of your heart. Or at least out of his sock drawer.

Next we ponder: Is it okay for your lover to have pictures of the ex laying around?

Jenni Perez authored the 2008-2009 edition of the popular sex issues column, “The Wednesday Hump,” in UC Santa Barbara’s Daily Nexus. When she’s not contributing her thoughts about the trials of modern romance, she devotes much of her effort to sustainable living and recording music.

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Laid Off: Why Sauce With Your Boss is a No-No

Posted by on Nov 20, 2009 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

When it comes to panky with the provider of your paycheck, there are only two possible avenues: staying celibate and secure, or shedding your shirt and forever struggling to keep it on your back.

Now, there’s always a possibility that it could play out like that one Hugh Grant flick—or every Hugh Grant flick—wherein Mr. Bigwig notices there’s something about that buttoned-up secretary hiding behind her file cabinet. He puts her on a special project, makes her “special project” top priority…on every surface of his office, pretends like nothing happened, then realizes he’s a bloody fool, jumps on her desk, and croons “Make It With You” before her and an entire staff of blubbering middle-aged women.

And then there’s the dreary alternative to this. It’s a scenario that 67% of Hannah Think Tank respondents seem to understand very well: dirty can get messy, and end up bleeding into company affairs. For instance, a stack of copies delivered to him with your full-color, double-magnified hoo-ha slipped in, may not have the same saucy luster when he hands out those copies to a group of clients.

Even if you’ve matured beyond adolescent antics, your co-workers may not have. When word gets out—and trust me, it always gets out—break-room rumors will run amuck. Within a week, everyone will be convinced you’re a prostitute he picked up on Santa Monica Boulevard who kills time at her desk until his lunchtime blowjob.

Chances are your boss’s patience has a limit. When the price begins out-weighing the pleasure (or in Jack’s case, when you start screwing his wife, too), he’ll get rid of the problem altogether. Unfortunately, the problem will be you.

Next up: Can rebounds turn into relationships? Weigh in now. The poll is in the sidebar on the right, below the ad. Some of you asked…:)

Jenni Perez authored the 2008-2009 edition of the popular sex issues column, “The Wednesday Hump,” in UC Santa Barbara’s Daily Nexus. When she’s not contributing her thoughts about the trials of modern romance, she devotes much of her effort to sustainable living and recording music.

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Going from mono to multiple with your orgasms

Posted by on Nov 16, 2009 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

Dear Dr. Sex, what’s the deal with multiple orgasms? Are they really possible for women and men? If so, how? And are they worth it?

Dear Hannah, that’s quite the loaded question, and the short answer is: read and learn, and yes.

Multiple orgasms (or serial orgasms), are a series of orgasms experienced in one sexual encounter. The folks in the Far East have known about this for centuries, and luckily, it’s made its way to LA. Now let me teach you a little about this ancient art of lovemaking that the Taoists and your sexually adventurous BFF Jack enjoy.

For men, we’re at a slight disadvantage because we have this pesky arousal stage called resolution, which is a guy’s refractory period after ejaculation (women often refer to this as snoring). But, men can work around the refractory period by learning to separate orgasm from ejaculation. There is a difference, and if you become skilled at recognizing it, you too will be able to strap yourself in for a wild series of orgasms, ending with one great big ejaculation—yeehaw!

[private_SLH Book Club]The best way to go from mono to multiple is by masturbation. Start stroking, and right before your volcano is about to erupt squeeze and tighten your pubococcygeus muscles (better known as “PC”). Squeeze and squeeze, like you’re trying to save the people of Pompeii from Mt. Vesuvius’ fate. You’re guaranteed to misfire a few rounds, but eventually, you’ll learn how to control your ejaculation. Warning: this can take months (and an awful lot of soft soaps, hand sanitizers, or Crisco), but if you’re disciplined, you’ll reap the benefits: you’ll last longer, you’ll have better control, and you might even get her to call you back.

Women don’t have a refractory period so you are tailor made for multiple orgasms. You too must work to strengthen your PCs. I recommend kegel exercises every time you’re stuck in traffic. It’ll help you in the bedroom, and it’ll help your road rage. Knowing your body, arousal, and stimulation patterns are equally vital. Most women feel extra sensitive after an orgasm (I’ve personally seen a woman look at a teddy bear and burst into tears), sometimes touching genitals becomes uncomfortable, even painful. But shortly thereafter is your window of opportunity. Usually between 30 seconds and three minutes after your “O”, begin stimulating again. Once you get past the extreme sensations, and the mental block of wondering what possessed him to use spray-on tan, you’ll find the next orgasms will come faster and more powerful than the last ones.

Training yourself to last longer (guys) or experiencing increased orgasmic pleasure (ladies) is a good thing. Use your imagination. For more details, read Taoist Master Mantak Chia’s books: “The Multi-Orgasmic Man”, and “The Multi-Orgasmic Woman” to send you to new heights of sexual ecstasy and pleasure.

[/private_SLH Book Club]

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Why Grandma Never Kissed on the First Date

Posted by on Oct 29, 2009 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

It seems as though the reign of pucker-up-then-give-him-the-cheek is over. In the most recent Think Tank poll, a whopping 86 percent of respondents supported kissing on the first date. This is the dawn of the forthcoming woman. And she’s horny as hell.

“Horny?” you may ask. “Aren’t we only talking about a kiss, here?”

Not really. Let’s consider why the first-date kiss is historically taboo.

Back in the day, when America was bursting with righteousness and quaking before the Holy Spirit, the only acceptable place for a gal to get hot was standing over her four-burner stove. And she raised her daughters on the same value: a proper girl shouldn’t kiss just any boy who holds her books. Kissing begets petting, petting begets rubbing, and rubbing begets the kind of hot that’d turn Betty Crocker’s brownies into charcoal. It was a terrifying slippery slope.

In modern romance, a little slippery slope ain’t necessarily a bad thing. Considering the social-lube-requiring nature of LA dating, the more slippery we can make things, the better.

I recall a date that emerged from the dust of a three-month dry spell. He was cute, conversation was stimulating, and he didn’t tell me the names of his testicles in the first hour. Things looked promising. As I gathered my things to leave his place, he grabbed me by the hips, and went in for a deep, passionate kiss. Before he could say, “I’ll call you,” I pinned him down for the ride of his life. And it wasn’t a one-night stand; it was the beginning of a relationship.

It’s no longer the 1940s; women are no longer married off at the age of 18. Getting physical has become a vital component of dating. Single women have needs, and sometimes they can’t be deferred until the second date, third, or…wedding night.

I’m not saying you should look desperate or throw yourself on a man like a whore. When it proves ineffective to guzzle a bottle of Chianti and garble to your date that your blowjobs would make his grandfather cry, something a little classier might be in order. A long goodnight kiss might be just the thing to get the ball rolling.

Next up: Will gettin’ hot ‘n heavy with your boss get you fired? Weigh in now.

Jenni Perez authored the 2008-2009 edition of the popular sex issues column, “The Wednesday Hump,” in UC Santa Barbara’s Daily Nexus. When she’s not contributing her thoughts about the trials of modern romance, she devotes much of her effort to sustainable living and recording music.

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