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Things gone missing

Posted by on Jan 6, 2012 in Relationships and Sex | 2 comments

thrill seeking junkie


This morning, I received this response in my inbox regarding Wednesday’s post from Dr. Sex:

That was the best advice I’ve read about ANYTHING, in a long fucking time! Awesome and so, so, SO TRUE!

I do know this about myself. My desire for women usually comes when I’m feeling unfulfilled with men, but I’m pretty darned sure it’s more about me. Being with women makes me feel powerful in a different way than when I’m with men. I know I’m made to get a man off, but to get a woman off requires more, a lot more. I’m sure there’s deep-seated stuff there that I may never recognize, but at least now I know it’s more than just a sex thing.

My reply:

I have to agree, Dr. Sex’s response made me think a lot about what it is I’m truly frustrated with; do I feel my marriage is falling apart because we don’t have the passion we once had in the sack, or do I only think it’s falling apart because there’s something that’s fallen apart inside me?

I know for me, one of the things that’s seemed to gone missing is my fast-moving, risk-taking, adrenaline-seeking activities, which have always somehow been tied to sex. For a long time it was easy to feed that because I was single, and either flying airplanes, or in a different city almost every week for my corporate job. I had this standard modus operandi: Go somewhere I’ve never been, talk to someone new (and especially someone that looked like a good challenge), and use my cunning to do something maybe I’ve never done before. Even though after six or seven years I thought I was done with that, had my fill of it, I realize now I kind of miss it. Talk about a power trip; it totally fed my ego to get away with the things I got away with. And you know what? Reading my journals from highschool, I was exactly the same way. Sneaking around, trying something new every weekend, and thinking about what I could do to get some boy interested in me. Ridiculous, but it all gave me a rush.

Now the question is: How do I feed the thrill-seeking adrenaline junkie in me without turning my marriage into an open swinging affair, or having affairs behind my husband’s back?

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After the Kink

Posted by on Jan 4, 2012 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

blog-pretty-in-kinkphoto: Kiki de Montparnasse in W Magazine

Back in July, I asked Dr. Sex for ideas about spicing up a long-term relationship. He suggested everything from sex toys to kink. I responded with this, and made him dig a little deeper:

Q. Sex toys, kink, role play, all sound like the right stuff…but…what about the couple that has explored all the kink and porn their relationship can handle? What if they’ve already done it all; gone to the extreme, even had a threesome?

A. You’re right, my initial suggestions work for some, while others have a much more complex road to travel. For those people, the ones that have been around the block, but still feel like something is missing, here’s my take: All the spicy suggestions in the world to invigorate their sex life isn’t going to help much, because for them, it’s usually not about needing more sexual variety, it’s about digging deeper into the roots of why they feel unfulfilled. What I’ve found is many people mask what they don’t want to look at or are afraid to look at; their unhappiness with themselves, their partners, their life choices, etc. When I say unhappiness, it could be a number of things: Job unfulfillment, lack of intimacy, anger or resentment with partners, missing the single life of independence and new partners, depression, or insecurity. And a good roll in the hay isn’t going to fix all or any of that. I’ve seen people get more sexual fulfillment from taking weekend cooking classes (they always wanted to be a chef), or separating themselves from their overbearing and intrusive mother (they learned how to establish boundaries) than trying new things in the bedroom.

We sometimes avoid our insecure realities and attempt to cover them up. If this is where you are at, try individual therapy, retreats, or life coaching; work to improve your sense of self-worth, self-esteem, and happiness with your life choices (partner, career path, family, etc). This will probably work better than a threesome or kinky adventure, which is more of a short-term fix for possible long term problems.

Dr. Sex, better known as Dr. Hernando Chaves in Beverly Hills, is a Psychotherpist and Clinical Sexologist. He can be reached at or 310.749.5777 .

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The Right Fill

Posted by on Dec 6, 2011 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments


Q. The conversation was started last week, but I just want to be sure…does penis size have anything to do with female pleasure or orgasms? Is there any physiological benefit to having a larger penis, or is it all in our head?

A. Is it the size of the wand or the magic in it? Men have fought wars and lost their minds (and confidence) over this issue. But what is really needed? In the US, the average size for guys is about 6 inches, and there’s a reason for it. While a lot of men think a ten inch dong is what will rock women to new heights, that kind of instrument is mostly only good for locker room swagger.

When it comes to size, most women prefer thicker to longer, ala more in the girth department. It makes sense since we know that the first third of the vagina is the most sensitive, and the vestibular bulbs, crura (roots) of the clitoris, and Bartholins glands are bunched up beneath the surface of the labias near the vaginal opening. Basically, this area fills up with blood, arouses the nerve endings, and a thicker penis can put some lovely pressure to give the feeling of fullness and pleasure. Also, for the G-spot orgasmers out there, a thick penis can help hit that spot and bring on the orgasms.

Ultimately, female pleasure has a lot to do with how comfortable a woman is with her body, how much she knows about her body, and her vagina. Women have differently sized vaginal canals, which can mean the difference between a pleasurable poke and an uncomfortable cervix beating. Sure there are a few size queens out there to tip the scales, but most women want something that’s not too long, not too short, and a good fill. So…five and you’re still alive, six is a good fix, seven is heaven, eight ain’t so great, nine is time…for an ice pack.

Dr. Sex, better known as Dr. Hernando Chaves in Beverly Hills, is a Psychotherpist and Clinical Sexologist. He can be reached at or 310.749.5777 .

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Candid Penis Talk

Posted by on Dec 2, 2011 in Relationships and Sex | 3 comments

I may get a lot of heat for what I’m about to write in this post, because every article I’ve ever read on this subject writes to the contrary, but here goes: Penis size does matter, and 92% of you that answered my poll agree.

I, like probably the majority of the 92% of you, did not arrive at this conclusion haphazardly. There was probably an experience or two that shaped this opinion over time. For me, there were three. There was the guy who once lubed me up with some oral pleasure only to reveal a penis about the size of my index finger, that he couldn’t really fit into a condom…and that was the end of that. There was the guy who actually had decent girth, but was no bigger than three inches erect, and also couldn’t last for longer than three minutes, ever. And finally the guy that looked and felt as flaccid as he did erect, so I could never tell, and eventually gave up trying to tell.

I am not saying that I haven’t had my share of blunders with men that had the normal average (about 5 1/2 inches last I checked). I am also not saying that a guy can’t get you off if he’s not packin’. Good hand and oral techniques can sometimes take you there like a penis can’t. And I also agree with David Cates when he writes, “What a woman wants is to FEEL YOU: your heart, your mind, your tears, your laughter. Your gratitude. Your excitement. Your joy. The trembling in your fingertips when you brush against her thighs. The sigh of contentment when she takes you in her mouth”.

Women orgasm more from the emotional than the physical, this is true, but there is still a mind body connection that I believe you can’t deny. For me, there is something sexually arousing when I see a man with a well-sized erect penis and there is something sexually fulfilling when I can feel and clamp onto that penis inside of me. If there wasn’t, I would probably be a lesbian.

Do ALL women feel this way? Obviously not 8% of you, and I have definitely met those that are indifferent; don’t care about size, or actually prefer smaller. And that’s awesome, because I totally believe there is someone for everyone, and many different ways to pleasure a woman if you’re just willing to try.

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In defense of Kim Kardashian

Posted by on Nov 4, 2011 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments


I’m going to play devil’s advocate for just a moment, and I’m not saying that Kim K does not deserve all the smack talk she’s gotten over her failed three-month marriage, but, as a woman that has loved and lost many times before, I do feel bad for her.

Her life, although by no means difficult in the strictest sense of the word, must be rather emotionally draining. I say this because I know from my experience, when me and hubbie were debating whether we could do a reality TV show about the ups and downs of our relationship, there were times we thought doing a show like that would end our marriage. Even when I write a blog post about some of our trials, there is this sense of a breach of privacy that causes some anxiety, even though hubbie’s signed off on blogging our real-time experiences because ultimately, you feel it will help people in some way.

So I’m not surprised Kim K’s marriage ended so abruptly, and regardless whether it was a publicity stunt or not, I’m sure it fucked with her head. I’m sure she had feelings for the guy, and I’m sure there was a mutual hope that somehow they could make it work, despite the cameras constantly in their faces, and the pressures from business managers (e.g. Kris Jenner), and the world, to put on a better show than the Royals. I’m sure even the pressure of being a thirty-something-year-old woman that’s not hitched or popping out babies yet had something to do with Kim K’s decision-making process. I know a lot of women who grasp on to whatever last straw of hope they can find once they get into their thirties, only to realize very quickly it’s a mistake. Hope is part of every relationship, and when things don’t work out how we hope they will, it’s devastating; paycheck or no paycheck.

How the other sisters are doing it, I don’t know. Maybe they haven’t allowed the reality TV side to take over their reality as much, or maybe they chose better partners; partners that either get off on the public displays of drama (e.g. Scott Disick, total socialite celebrity brat) or are so used to it, it doesn’t phase them (e.g. Lamar Odom, of the multi-national-champion Lakers).

I say let’s give Kim K a little slack, and let’s just hope that next time she’s able to get real with the real deal.

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