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Having an Orgasm

Posted by on Oct 27, 2011 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments



From a response to my sister:

Having an orgasm?

It all comes down to figuring out what gets you off.

For me it started with romance novels, by accident. I was twelve, and I wanted more grown-up reading material. I had no idea romance novels were so…dirty. But reading all those prolonged, and usually illicit, love scenes got my body excited, even though I couldn’t quite figure out how.

At thirteen, to figure out the “how”, I decided to buy a Cosmopolitan magazine that promised to reveal all the secrets behind having an orgasm. To this day, just sitting back in a tub and letting the water run over my vagina, is good ol’ reliable. And vibrators, yes, but I didn’t have one for a very long time.

Sex and sexuality requires a lot of exploration; by yourself, with a partner, or several. Yes, it’s intercourse, but there’s an emotional aspect to it as well. What turns you on? What get’s you wet? If you figure out the answers to those questions you will be several steps closer to having an orgasm because when you’re really turned on you can’t help but move, or touch yourself, or clench your vaginal muscles… When you’re mentally turned on, your physical side starts to do the things it needs you to do to get that release; it’s reflex.

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Overcoming the 7 year itch.

Posted by on Jul 27, 2011 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments


Q. Dear Dr. Sex, when you’re feeling the 7-year itch in your long-term relationship, how can you bring the sizzle back into your sex life?

A. Feeling a little sluggish in the romance department Hannah? Well, you’re not alone. Almost every couple experiences a glitch in the sex department at one point or another, and there are a ton of reason why: work, infrequent sex, health ailments, family issues, sexual disorders, hormonal/physiological changes, financial struggles, difficulty reaching orgasm, mental health issues, the fall of Communism, you name it.

Now that we’ve come to terms with the inevitable, what can we do about it? One of the first steps in jumpstarting your sex life is stepping outside the box. Many folks are in a routine they feel stuck in, so pushing those boundaries is essential to changing the sexual script. Here are 5 sizzle suggestions to shake up your sex life and get the blood flowing back to your genitals:

1. Sex Toys. Sometimes all you need is a trip to the local sex toy shop and some batteries. Like a kid at Christmas, a new toy can help a person feel energized and bring a whole new level of fun back into their life. There are light-hearted possibilities, like sexual board games, which playfully bring couples closer together by teaching sexual tips in easy-to-learn and sexy ways. And there are a variety of gadgets for men and women, that tingle, vibrate, pinch, or penetrate. The idea is find what interests you and your partner and try it out. I’ve always said, you can spend $100 in one night on a movie, dinner, and drinks in L.A., or you can spend $100 on a sex toy, stay in, and use it for many, many nights, to come…

2. Role Playing. This will especially resonate with all you actors out there…what better way to step outside the box sexually than becoming a different person in a different situation? Role-play is fun, pleasurable, and helps us express some of our dirtiest fantasies in a safe way. The classic doctor/patient or teacher/student scenarios allow us to experiment with the power dynamics in our relationship, but you can also role-play without the sexy props and costumes (although it’s highly recommended). Maybe you always wanted to be the initiator, the top, the submissive, but never felt quite comfortable doing it in your own skin. Creating a character is the perfect way to venture into these unexplored desires. Always wanted your partner to take control? Create a virgin-like, inexperienced character and tell your partner to do whatever they like, and teach you their tricks. Or maybe create a sex worker role where you have to follow their every instruction. Essentially, create the role play that feels comfortable for all involved, and within your “acting” abilities. Discuss your limits and boundaries, take things slowly, but most of all, have fun.

3. Erotica. Notice I use the word “erotica” versus porn so that half of you don’t run away. Erotica can be a great enhancer, is fantastic for foreplay, and wonderful for the mind. Erotica doesn’t have to be raunchy, hardcore porn that some have a hard time with, it can be any type of erotic material that offers sensory stimulation and arousal; a romance novel, an erotic story or poem, a late night erotic HBO movie, a strip club, sexting, porn, a naughty picture in your inbox, a burlesque show, or maybe your own erotic video you made. The question is this: what sensory stimulations are you using privately, and which ones are you missing in your sex life? Satisfy what’s missing in your sex life by taking your private turn-ons out of the closet (or out of your bedside drawer). Many couples enjoy erotica together, whether in public or in private. It creates a shared sexual sensory experience that can make people feel horny and excited while having an intimate and connected experience. Of course, some people react negatively to erotica, so test the waters and don’t push things onto partners they can’t handle. No one wants a sizzle technique to backfire.

4. Touch. Isn’t touch a given when we have sex? Yes and no. When researching couples, the amount of sexual and non-sexual touch decreases as relationships go on. How sad. The longer I’m with someone, the less likely I am to touch them. That’s bullshit, and I aim to challenge that and you should too. I’m not suggesting a minute-by-minute groping of your partner, but a little skin foreplay can go a long way. Many individuals feel touch-deprived. When was your last intimate touch-a-thon, solid cuddle session, or when did your skin feel like it was the most sought after organ on your body? Most will tell you it’s been a while and they’d like more of it. Back when I was in college, a time of raging hormones, poor communication, and shot glass collections, I had a girlfriend. Towards the end of our relationship, she told me that her favorite thing was to receive massages and she wished I’d given them to her more often. It took two years for us to talk about that and I honestly had no clue of how important that was to her. How can you avoid this? Start talking to your partners about ways you can give and receive more positive touch. Cuddling, holding hands, hugs, placing your hand on your partners leg, sitting next to each other at dinner (not on opposite ends), non-sexual touch (not immediately leading to sex), sexual touch (foreplay touch that is leading up to sex), and massage. I can tell a lot about couples in therapy by the amount of touch they display and research is showing us how important it is. Touch is a sexual and relationship ally.

5. Kink. For most, being kinky means practicing a sexually alternative, non-mainstream idea or behavior. For example, kink can be fetishistic (pantyhose, heels, etc), open minded and alternative (public sex, multiple partners, etc), or BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism, Masochism). For bondage (restraining), try tying up your partner or just holding their hands down. Examples of discipline (rules, behavior, and responses) include making sexual rules and playfully rewarding or punishing your partner accordingly. Domination (assuming control and deciding when to exert it) includes being on “top” or the penetrator/inserter. A submissive (yielding control) often places themselves in a “bottom” position and is the one being penetrated/inserted. Doms and subs also get a great deal of satisfaction psychologically, but that’s a whole other article… Sadism (administering sensation), includes spanking, biting, and hair pulling. And lastly, masochism (receiving sensation) includes being spanked, bitten, and having your hair pulled. Wow, that was a lot of definitions and examples. But it needed to be done. So what’s you’re kink? What would you like to explore? Remember there’s no kink competition and gold medals aren’t awarded to the kinkiest. It’s about your comfort, enjoyment, and the pleasure you gain from it. So talk to your partner, take things slow, and remember that playfulness, trust, and consent rule the kink world.

Dr. Sex, better known as Dr. Hernando Chaves in Beverly Hills, is a Psychotherpist and Clinical Sexologist. He can be reached at or 310.749.5777.

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Am I crazy because I need more?

Posted by on Jul 22, 2011 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

Q. I need some serious advice about this guy I have been dating for approximately two months.

The first month was a little weird, because we met through a mutual friend, became instantly interested in each other, but I was dating someone else. We eventually went on two dates, and it became obvious to me that I should drop the other guy I was seeing. Then, as fate would have it, he went on vacation for 2 weeks and then I went on vacation for a week. So there were 3 forced weeks of not getting to see him, but I actually got to know him through phone calls, emails, and text messages while we were apart.

When we finally reunited, things got REALLY hot and heavy, but over the last 4 weeks, I have noticed a pattern that is making me anxious.

We will have the most amazing weekends; spend 3 days straight together. But come Monday, I won’t really hear from him…until Thursday. And we’ll make plans for our amazing Friday through Sunday bliss… but come Monday…it’s back to the same, and I get extremely anxious when there is little to no communication between us. I want to tell him that I need to communicate with him DAILY even if it’s just talking on the phone for 5 minutes, but I don’t want to come off as being crazy or needy. Is this normal dating practice? Is he playing games? Am I expecting too much, too fast? I really don’t want to freak him out as it has technically only been 2 months (minus 3 weeks of vacation) of us seeing each other.

Also, with this inquiry comes my next thing, which also makes me just as anxious: THE TALK. I want to ask him what he wants out of our relationship, and where it’s headed. I’m turning 28 in a few months and I don’t want to be wasting my time. So, I want to ask him all of those things, but I don’t want to freak him out and ruin anything. Is it too soon? Should I wait? Do you think he’ll freak out if I ask these things now?

A. The first thing I want to say is this: Feel some level of security in the fact that you’re not “Monday through Thursday Girl”. The fact that he wants to spend his entire weekend with you, and isn’t brushing you off so that he can party with his buddies and see what else is out there, means he’s interested in you, in more than just a casual way.

As for the lack of communication during the week: Talk to him about it. Tell him what your expectations are, and why. It’s not crazy, it’s just being honest. Communicating openly will always set the record straight on where your relationship stands, and if it has potential, will only strengthen it. But don’t put the onus all on him. If you’re feeling anxious about not hearing from him by a certain day, then YOU should initiate the call, or text. He will probably find it rather refreshing to know that you’re confident enough in yourself and your feelings for him to be able to call “just because”, instead of playing the typical dating games.

Once you’ve had that conversation, give it some time before you have THE TALK. I totally get what it’s like to have an agenda at 28, and not wanting to feel like you’re wasting time dating something that’s going nowhere; but…take a long, deep breath, and enjoy your budding romance a little before rushing it down the aisle. It’s not like you guys have been dating for years and are unhappily stuck in a rut. You just started dating and you’re getting to know one another; figuring out what works, what makes you anxious, what your boundaries are, and what you need, which you will discover will change over time, especially once you start openly and honestly communicating with him.

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Friends, attraction, and back-up plans.

Posted by on Jul 20, 2011 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

Q. Hey Hannah, I have been wanting to ask you a couple relationship questions for a while now, I just keep chickening out because I am afraid of the answers. Basically the first question is this: If a woman you care about and love tells you she just wants to be your friend…is it because she really means that or…is it because you just don’t meet all her qualifications as boyfriend material? Also, are you able to be friends with a man and still be attracted to them at the same time?

To give you some background, our relationship started as friends, as she was married, but I began developing serious feelings for her. When she divorced, I revealed my feelings, which is when she let me know she just wanted to be friends. And now she’s beginning a relationship with a new guy…and of course it is killing me!

I feel you are the one who will give me a straight, truthful, knowledgeable answer on what I should do.

A. Well my friend, the straight answer is: she’s not interested in pursuing a relationship with you. Now, I don’t necessarily think you don’t meet all her boyfriend “qualifications”. I think all of us have dated people on all ends of the spectrum; people that were seemingly everything we were looking for, and people that met none, or very little of our “qualifications”, yet the attraction was so strong we couldn’t help but jump their bones, and as a result, jumped on an emotional roller coaster ride that usually left us feeling more sick than satisfied. Attraction is a wonderful, yet often strange thing. I think you’ll find my article: Are you a prairie vole or a montane vole? rather informative when it comes to that topic.

As for your question about whether a woman can be friends with a man she’s attracted to, not really. I think when people have friends of the opposite sex, it’s because there is no physical attraction, or, they’re just acquaintances, meaning they don’t see them or talk to them enough to worry about the attraction they feel for them. I also want to point out that there is a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to them. Again, I am sure you have dated, or had sex with, or just been attracted to women that weren’t necessarily empirically attractive, yet you were drawn to them, even if you couldn’t quite put your finger on why, and vice versa. Again, attraction is often a strange thing.

What should you do? Well, since she’s started seeing someone else, and your friendship with her is hurting you more than helping you, you should stop being friends with her and move on. I’m sure you have plenty of other friends, and I really believe, from my own personal experiences, that these types of emotionally draining relationships only prevent you from being completely open to finding something new. Besides, you never want to be convincing someone of why they should date you, or be the guy that she’s inadvertently stringing along because she likes the free dinners and attention. You also never want to be the runner-up, or the back-up plan; the guy she decides she’s OK with ending up with because she couldn’t find anyone better. No, you want to find a woman that meets you, falls in love (or lust) with you, and can’t imagine being with anyone else; at least not for the first few years when the fire’s burning brightest:)

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Getting turned on by cartoons.

Posted by on Jul 12, 2011 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

Yesterday, I posted a question to Facebook and Twitter: What do you need most from your significant other? All the responses I got were…very romantic: someone to laugh with, a sympathetic ear, an equal partner, respect. This did not make me feel any better about my reaction to hubbie Saturday night.

We were watching porn. Because porn seems to be the only thing that takes our minds off of the multiple projects we’re juggling, and that’s kind of where we are with our sex life right now. We need a distraction, like anime school girls losing their innocence to the bad boy that has just rolled into town, to get aroused around one another. By no means do I consider this an ideal situation, but I’m down for whatever works these days.

So I’m getting excited, quietly, because the fact that I’m getting sexually stimulated by a cartoon is kind of freaking me out, until I decide it’s time to make a move.

“Let’s put in Fashionistas,” I tell him, because I’m not prepared for the kind of damage humping to cartoons might do to my psyche (and Fashionistas is a good staple).

Hubbie obliges, and I tell him to lick my pussy, and he obliges again, and everything is feeling pretty damn good, so I tell him I want his dick inside of me, and he obliges again, and then, we have a Chapter 4 moment.

That’s when I react in a way that’s bitchy and completely selfish, “If we can’t even fuck properly the few times we get to fuck, then what’s the point? This is like the Universe playing some evil trick; here is your fabulous, amazing, beautiful man that you get to have really hot sex with for three years, but that’s it; after three years you’re cut off. I don’t want to be in a lesbian relationship with man. What’s next, regular doses of Cialis?”

Hubbie is much more calm, “I’m sure if we were having sex more often I wouldn’t be so sensitive.”

“Maybe you should masturbate more.”

And then I rolled over and eventually fell asleep.

Monday morning, driving to meet with a client I called Jack and told him about my Saturday night, “Am I a bad person because I would actually consider leaving my husband over lack of hot sex?”

“No,” Jack doesn’t even hesitate, “sex is a basic necessity, like, food and shelter, but you are over-reacting. It’s not like the guy is prematurely ejaculating ALL the time, or can’t get it up. Give him some time to sort it out; usually this kind of stuff is all in the head and not in the equipment.”

Jack was right, but my reaction was not over just one night, it was over months of dealing with the fact that mine and hubbie’s sex life had changed. And not that I thought it never would, I just never thought it would be the thing to cause this much strife. I thought money, or kids, or some new future goal would be the eventual deal breaker in our relationships, but not sex. So I’m in new territory; getting all the love, support, respect, and emotional care every woman has on their list, but not enough sex.

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Another Question.

Posted by on Jun 30, 2011 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments


This time, from my inbox.

Q. How much time should two people in a relationship spend together?

A.I think when you’re crazy in love with someone you want to spend every waking moment with them, but you pace yourself, because you don’t want to look obsessed. And you create silly rules like: since we’ve been dating for a couple months now I think it’s appropriate we spend one weekday night and one weekend night together. But it rarely works out that way. Things usually end up moving way too slow, and you get impatient, and break up, or they move way too fast, and suddenly you’re living together. And for months it’s like fucking bliss because you’re playing house with the person you’re crazy in love with, and spending all this time with, and you want to fuck all the time, so you do, and life couldn’t be better. And then a couple years go by and all these realities set in, and you find yourself spending less time together, and more time with your friends, until one day you wake up and realize you’re not living with the person you’re crazy in love with anymore, you’re living with a roommate. And you go through a painful break up, because it’s always harder to break up, especially when you’re living together. Or, you get your head out of your ass and realize you don’t want to lose the good thing you’ve got, and you want back the crazy-in-love feeling that you once had, or at least something close, and that’s not going to happen if you’re spending more time with your friends, or at work, or shopping, or at the gym, or with your favorite vice, or alone, and less time with your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/partner/lover.

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