CHAPTER 1 “New Year’s Ex”
“Oh please, seducing him is the least of your worries.” – Jack
It’s New Year’s Eve and Hannah is pulling herself into the most obvious tramp outfit she can find to seduce her boyfriend with. Meanwhile Jack’s plan of attending another career enhancing party is foiled when his cell phone explodes. It’s a New Year’s Eve celebration worth mourning over.
CHAPTER 2 “Breaking Up with Bad Habits”
“Hannah. This isn’t about your fucking Hoover. You’re scared of being alone. So is everyone.” – Ireland
Some habits are hard to break, especially when it comes to men and shoes. After being left for single on New Year’s Eve Hannah tries to comfort herself with cigarettes, wine, and a new pair of shoes. Ireland however, has another tactic for warding off being single: hooking up with an attractive eligible bachelor. And Jack has to try unorthodox tactics with a police officer to get out of a fender bender.
CHAPTER 3 “The Agony of Ecstasy”
He wears a skirt and carries what looks a little too much like a women’s purse.” – Hannah
Regardless of whether he’s gay, straight, or Bi—Hannah decides to make a move on her neighbor Ben. Everybody else’s social calendar seems to be full; Ireland is trying to solicit her guitar instructor, Jack is at a strip club with the The Police Officer—so why should she have to settle for a cold empty bed?
CHAPTER 4 “Multiple Orgasms”
“Jack, if a woman met me at the door wearing a harness and ‘Victim’ boots, and gave me the biggest, dirtiest orgasm of my life, I would probably marry her.” – Hannah
After Jack tells Hannah about his latest sexual escapade with The Police Officer, she has a hard time concentrating on anything but what a night of hot sex could do for her faltered ego. It’s no surprise she decides to try igniting another spark with Ben that night. Sparks definitely fly—although not quite as Hannah expected they would.
CHAPTER 5 “Rebounding”
“He’s the very attractive but very inexperienced piece of man meat you need to get it on with to get over The Ex: perfect rebound sex.” – Jack
In an attempt to prove Jack wrong about Ben only being rebound sex, Hannah readies herself for a spontaneous first date. But the evening turns into mayhem when Ben doesn’t show up for dinner, and Hannah is instead left with Clark: the most heterosexual homosexual she knows.
CHAPTER 6 “Valentine’s Day Martyrdom”
“It’s quite a subjective term: asshole. You think he’s an asshole. But I think he’s timely. If he hadn’t broken up with you, we wouldn’t have met this evening.” – Mr. Smyth
On the most romantic holiday of the year Hannah is stuck at her friend Celeste’s work function while Ireland continues wooing her guitar instructor, and Jack plots revenge on The Police Officer for breaking up with him. That is until she meets Mr. Smyth…in the women’s bathroom.
CHAPTER 7 “Friday Night Cuts”
“You’re just a greedy self-absorbed little bitch. That’s all there is to it.” – Ireland
Can one woman ever really have too many options on a Friday night? Yes, if she runs into one when on a date with another. After unintentionally double-booking herself on Friday night Hannah ends up drowning her sorrows in chocolate frosting at Ireland’s house. Hannah laments over losing the right man, while Ireland laments over losing money on the wrong guitar lessons.
CHAPTER 8 “Falling in Love”
“Jack, I’m having a total crisis here! I almost called The Ex! I think I want to work things out.” – Hannah
Remembering all the details of all the men she has ever fallen in love with, Hannah decides she wants at least one of them back in her life. Looking to Jack for advice, he tells her to move on and reminds her why her past relationships failed. Heeding Jack’s advice, Hannah decides to call Mr. Smyth to try her hand at new love.
CHAPTER 9 “Accidental”
“Dr. Sanchez walked in on me accidentally fucking his wife.” – Jack
Jack’s oftentimes uninhibited decision-making backfires on him when his boss walks in on him accidentally having sex with his wife. Hannah’s sister calls to tell her she was accidentally caught on video in compromising positions with her new husband, and Hannah gets into a car accident—with The Ex.
