Almost exactly a year later to the date I’m looking at this confession I recorded for a TV show that never came to be, wondering what has really changed. In a lot of ways, me and hubbie are still in the exact same position, not sure where our relationship is heading, uncertain about our careers; me still trying to figure out whether I’m cut out for monogamy, he, still appalled at the notion of alternative lifestyles.
But a lot has also changed. I suddenly feel this urgency to have a baby. I’m 35 going on 36 and feeling that if it’s going to happen it needs to happen now, before I lose interest. I need something to change to feel like we’re moving forward in our relationship, even amidst all the uncertainty with “us”, and our careers, and money, and lack of health insurance… Except we’re still not really having sex; not like we used to anyway, not how you probably should be if you want to have a baby with someone.
I have also become completely obsessed with moving. I need new surroundings, new energy, a new inspiration. I find myself looking on Craigslist, Realtor.com, and Airbnb nightly for alternatives, yet not quite sure what makes the most sense financially. Sometimes I think a getaway for a week, to finish the next draft of my book, is all I need. Sometimes I think we need a much longer separation than that.
So nothing has changed, yet a lot has changed. I feel, like never before, that we’re as close as we’ve ever been to the brink. That we’re either going to get our shit together, get handed a break, and walk away together from that brink, never looking back, or we’re going to step just a little too far, and fall, completely apart.