Posted by on Apr 27, 2010 in Relationships and Sex | 1 comment


So 57% of you are shallow bitches, perpetually wet for the material perks.…you know what, that sounds about right. Let me explain why.

Up until high school I, we, the female population liked boys purely based on how we felt about them, i.e. we didn’t give a shit what kind of toys they played with, although I must admit, I was quite drawn to the boy next door when he told me he had something called Atari. But by the time people started driving cars to school things started getting complicated. Partly programmed by societal pressures, as I learned this weekend at a Ross Jeffries seminar, partly pounded into our heads by our mothers, and partly hearing the whispers in our ears by our BFFs, I, we, the female population started liking boys by taking into consideration what kind of car they drove.

My woman-in-making Hannah is the perfect example:

Chapter 1: “I could be one of those wives. One of those bright, cheery, manicured, pampered women who drive their daily three blocks in an expensive gas-guzzling SUV to go shopping.”

Chapter 9: “This is not just a sex thing! We have great conversations. He’s charming and gracious. He understands me. And he’s got a great house.”

Chapter 15: “He knows what he wants, and he’s going after it: marriage, kids. He already has the house. I could marry him, move in, and have perfect doctor-bred children with him. Isn’t this what I’ve always wanted?”

Now, it’s not something we’re necessarily proud of, but you can’t put the entire blame on us. Asking the modern urban woman to nobly decline a Tiffany’s grab-bag is like asking a dog to nobly decline a solid leg to hump. It’s in our nature; a nature that has been wholly exaggerated by the money-obsessed, status-hungry, greedy, consumer-centric world we live in right now.

The question of salary (a word correlated to stability in today’s day and age), is in direct alignment with how the womb-wielding sex operates. Whether she is human or herring, a woman is constantly and carefully building her nest. So she evaluates potential mates, and casts away the ones who won’t bring home proper twigs to reinforce it – from Tommy “I Still Pee My Pants at Camp” Smith to David “I Write Questionable Fiction for a Living” Smyth. But TRUST ME, money is just one miniscule piece of the complicated nesting puzzle. Unless you’re a full on Gold Digger. And they exist. They can usually be spotted at a hard-to-get-into nightclub hovering in just enough proximity to the men at the reserved bottle tables. Or stalking outside the homes of men who have just been featured in the Wall Street Journal. But that’s because they want their nest egg to be the epicenter of luxury; wielded in gold and diamond studs, with a jet and yacht parked outside.

In the big scheme of things however, I believe that I, we, the female population are astute enough to assess a man using more than just our lust for True Religion skinny jeans. And this is where I believe the 43% of answers come in. Yes, when it comes to making babies, it’s natural to not want to have to pick up the slack. You want to be able to stay at home and nurture your family. But, if we were on a deserted island and all things were equal, what would really get our panties wet is a man who leads. A man who leads…hmmm… And that has nothing to do with how much money he makes. Thank you Sasha for turning that light bulb on at the seminar.

Next we ponder: Should you continue seeing a man who doesn’t want a relationship with you?