Before the SLH Blog there was the SLH Bulletin Board, and…in January of ’08 I interviewed the only virgin I knew. Since this topic is still very relevant, I am re-posting it here, today. In case you missed it the first time:
Last night I started thinking about sex; specifically my sexual history. I started wondering how my sexual experiences had shaped me, and what type of person I would be if I hadn’t had those experiences. No doubt your sexuality shapes the person you are. It can empower you, or make you more self-conscious. It can make you feel more like a woman, more beautiful, or more frustrated.
In today’s over-sexed, over-exposed, over-pleasured society, more people are having sex, more often, more casually, and much earlier in their life. More people are talking about sex more openly than ever, and the media uses it to sell everything from clothes to cars. Fifty years ago the social norm was that you didn’t have sex until you got married, today, it’s considered unusual if you wait that long. But—if I knew then what I know now, would I have waited to have sex? Would I have stayed a virgin longer?
To toggle these curiosities, I decided to interview the only virgin I know. A woman in her mid-twenties who is attractive, intelligent, and not about to give up her flower to just anyone…
What does it feel like to be a virgin in today’s society?
Different. There’s a lot of temptation. The media is very suggestive towards sex. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one. There’s pressure in feeling like you’re the only one. I know I’m not the only one, but sometimes when I feel that way, I feel disappointed in myself.
It’s not that I don’t want to have sex. I want to hook up with someone I’m attracted to instinctively and feel I want a relationship with. I want to be in a relationship with someone. I definitely like feeling sexually aroused.
So why haven’t you done “it” yet?
Reluctance. And most of the time, I’m not aroused by anyone. When I am, often the timing is not right. There’s a guy I’ve been friends with for a while, and I’ve fantasized about having sex with him, but he’s usually in a relationship, or pursuing a girl. It doesn’t feel meant to be with him. And I don’t want to be desperate. I want to wait for someone that I want to be in a relationship with—that would make the experience more pleasurable.
Do your friends ever pressure you or make you feel guilty about being a virgin?
Not really. But I’m not concerned with what other people think. I’m stubborn. I’m going to wait until I meet the right one, and I don’t care what people think about that. I’m not interested in having a fling. Well…sometimes I think about having a fling, because I wonder: what if I never meet the right one? But I definitely don’t care what other people think.
Let’s go back to something you said earlier about the media being very suggestive. What is your view on how media glamorizes sex?
I don’t like it. They are teaching people, especially virgins, that it’s not a big deal to have sex, that everybody should be having sex. As a result, today’s world seems to focus on the physical sex rather than love.
I think the media takes the meaning out of it. It should be about two people wanting to really be with each other, but the media doesn’t advertise that. And I think it makes virgin’s feel pressured to do it. But really, they should only do it when they find love, when they feel ready, comfortable; mature enough.
So you think that sex in advertising is more about blatant sexuality rather than finding the right one?
I think it’s mostly about blatant sexuality. Sex sells; advertising seduces you into buying an image; you associate the image with something you like, something that makes you feel good. And you want to buy it. And that’s all they care about.
Of course, it can be cute sometimes; some advertising. Some advertising makes you feel sexy, think about sex; finding that special someone to do it with.
What’s a good example of sexy advertising with a positive message?
There’s a lot of perfume ads that are more about romance than sex; Jean Paul Gaultier has one with a couple floating towards one another. The Chris Isaac video with Helena Christianson excites me because it’s a love song.
What if you never have sex? Would you feel like you missed out on something?
I would regret it.
Because that’s a big thing in life; finding the right person, falling in love, having sex, I want to experience that beautiful thing. Also, in general, to experience this hyped up thing that everybody is so excited about. I would regret not having experienced this ‘wow’ thing.
How do you envision the perfect sex experience?
Finding someone that makes me feel incredible; someone I’m attracted to. Someone I’m sexually aroused by, and vice versa. It definitely has to go both ways.
Right now I’m seeing it happen on the internet or a club, because I don’t have a huge circle of friends that would invite me to a house party or event. I don’t see meeting someone at a museum or movie theatre—these are more couple venues. I think the internet probably, because I’m more introverted and shy. It’s easier for me to search for someone on the internet. Even though it’s not a great source; it’s so superficial. You judge someone by what they look like, and what they have to say about themselves. You end up idealizing about someone that may not be who they say they are.
Do you think that being shy has something to do with you still being a virgin?
I think so. There are benefits to being an extrovert. When you’re shy you don’t know as many people, you don’t feel like going out all the time or socializing, you have a lot of negative thoughts about yourself.
What’s your advice to other virgin’s?
Don’t worry about it (sex). Don’t be afraid to do it (sex), but do it (sex) for the right reasons. Are you into the person? Are you into the experience?
Don’t make the decision based on your age, or what other people say. If you’re not ready for it (sex), you won’t have a good experience.