Q. Dear Dr. Sex, Once the high of the new-and-unknown has worn off, and your significant other can no longer peel your panties off just by wearing that perfectly hugging v-neck t-shirt and jeans with that perfect come hither look… “skills” become ever more important. Especially “skills” that can turn an evening into either a hot foreplay session or an analytical dissection under a magnifying glass of the status of your sex life. Can you give me some advice that I can pass on to everyone interested in improving their oral skills around a female’s most private of parts?
Or as my auto correct calls it: Connecticut, is simply an awful word. Could we come up with something a little sexier? Never in the history of my sex life—and probably yours—has that word been used in a sexy manner. But we all know that knowing how to lick the lotus flower in a sexy manner can be a very useful “skill”.
Let me begin with Point #1, the most important point: Talking about oral sex. You’ve heard a hundred times how important communication is for sex. Here’s your 101st lecture. The best lovers are the best communicators. Sure we can go into sex with a host of knowledge and techniques in our bag of tricks, but there are always women with needs that are specific to her arousal and her orgasm. Whether it’s the tickle behind the knees, nipple stimulation, or the firm squeezing of her butt during oral to reach orgasm, most women know how to pleasure their own body. And if you don’t ask, she may not tell you.
Communication can happen anywhere; before sex, in the moment, after sex, or over the phone. It’s important to be comfortable with direction, feedback, asking questions, and offering compliments and encouragement. A bottle of wine, a few good questions about pleasure, and actually remembering her answers could be the difference between being Don Juan or long gone. I stress the remembering part. If you aren’t memorizing her pleasure menu, then what’s the point? Too many females have confided in me that their partner forgets what they like. They get tired of telling them and eventually stop telling them. It’s a sign of respect, effort, and how important they are to remember their needs. You should be able to write an article on how your partner likes it. If you can’t, maybe bring a notepad next time.
Point #2… Show some enthusiasm and passion when you’re between her knees. If going down on her looks like you’re eating lima beans, you may need to change your attitude. We’re all human, everyone has insecurities, and it’s inevitable that thoughts creep into our minds during sex. Let her know you’re happy to be there and give her the peace of mind she needs to focus on her pleasure. We all know how important our mindset is during sex. It’s nice for a woman with her legs spread open to hear your light moaning, your subtle comments of loving the moment or how she tastes, and showing a genuine enjoyment of her genitals and body. There are so many ways to show this enthusiasm and passion; with your hands massaging her body, taking your time licking, heavy breathing, eye contact, passionate squeezes of her body, etc. If Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, make oral sex with her the second.
Point #3… Add a strong dose of confidence. How? I’m a big believer that we have to combine feeling competent with good experiences to create boosts in confidence. One of the best ways is through sex education. Reading this article is sex ed. Reading books or watching videos on oral sex (and that doesn’t include porn) is another great way to improve your skill and technique. If you’re shy about exposing yourself to sex ed, that’s more reason to do it. You can view resources in the privacy of your own home and most online distributors mail resources discreetly. Sometimes exposure can lead to arrest, but this kind of exposure may lead you to that glorious moment after orgasm, when they look you in the eyes, pat your head gently, and say, “that was amazing.” Three little words that produce a good experience that will boost your confidence forever. Even if orgasm isn’t reached, you can still take away confidence from experiences. When I hear changes in breathing patterns, moaning, see her hands massaging her breasts and body, or notice her hips rocking, I know there’s a good chance she’s experiencing pleasure and enjoying this. I’m taking that as a positive and putting that in my little piggy bank of sexual positive reinforcement.
Some of my favorite oral sex ed includes books and videos by: Violet Blue, Dr. Sonia Borg, Dr. Ava Cadell, Dr. Debby Herbenick, and Lou Paget. There are no short cuts or cliff note versions to sexpertise, but if you put in the time with sex and relationships you will experience all you can from them.
Next time, points turn into actual techniques, stay tuned…
Dr. Sex, better known as Dr. Hernando Chaves in Beverly Hills, is a Psychotherpist and Clinical Sexologist. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or 310.749.5777.