Posted by on Aug 26, 2010 in Life and Style | 0 comments

precision-pump

I found this on the street outside my front door this morning. How do you drop a penis pump box in the street. Are you so effing horny that you just can’t wait to get home? Are you so distressed about your penis performance? And does this mean someone masturbated outside my door at some early morning hour while I was sleeping? Do I possibly have a stalker? I don’t want a stalker. I like the idea of men masturbating whilst thinking about me, but not knowing where I live and doing it outside my window hoping to spot me. That’s just pervy.

Also, can anybody tell me whether these things actually work? It reminds me of the breast enhancement pumps that were all the range in the late nineties. I read about it all–pumps, pills, cremes, visualization–when I was hating my boobs and praying for one extra cup size to magically appear overnight. Luckily I grew out of all that shit, and realized, my boobs may be small, but people have WAY bigger issues out there.

So the penis pump…my advice to men that think they’re too small, or erections not solid enough: Learn magic tricks with your fingers and mouth. And maybe I’ll get Dr. Sex to guest blog about that soon and give you detailed direction.

Oh yeah, and the high-powered bitch stuff…I have an interview tomorrow, to work in the marketing department at a law firm. Even though I hate to admit it, I need the job. And who knows, maybe the whole experience will turn into great fodder for future books.

So, interviews. Love ‘em. They’re a personal challenge, and I always learn a lot about people when I do them. When I go in, I like to look prepared, professional, and like the hottest bitch you’ve ever laid your eyes on. Women, if you don’t know how powerful your sexuality is, you should just observe how a line moves at any popular club in a big city.

Here is how I transform myself into a high-powered bitch:

1. Classic black stilleto heels. There’s a reason they’re called fuck-me heels.

2. The pencil skirt. Small ass, big ass, pencil skirts make your legs look long and your waist thinner.

3. Make eye contact with every person you’re talking to, and smile as often as is appropriate.

4. A firm handshake is a must. It will make them take you seriously. I’ve actually received many compliments about my handshake, so I know there’s something to it. This is a pretty decent article on why you should drop the pussy handshake: http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/worklife/11/05/cb.hand.shake/index.html.

5. Kegel exercises. Before, during, and after the interview. Summon your power source when you need it most ladies. It will make you feel different, trust me. And they’re good for a lot of other reasons too: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/kegel-exercises/WO00119.

Now off to put a kick ass portfolio together.