My journals are signed and sealed. Put away after the last “incident”, which led to the break-up. So I’m writing on this ratty yellow scrap from work.
I wonder whether things would have turned out differently if The Ex hadn’t read my journal. Maybe. Or maybe we just would have prolonged the inevitable. Could I have said or done something different that would have changed the outcome? It doesn’t make sense to anaylyze this type of shit, but it’s hard to stop.
The fact is, I wanted more than he was willing or able to give last year. The fact is that I was mostly unhappy last year. The fact is that I felt like a punching bag all last year. And the fact is that I did cheat on him. I need to look at myself; stick with therapy and figure out why I made the choices I made.
I wonder if he’s serious about moving on this time. Maybe I just fucked up one too many times and he has put me in a place in his heart that consists of past loves. A love that was, but can never be again. And maybe I need to do the same. Maybe there were too many problems from the beginning to fix. Maybe there just weren’t enough feelings on my part to want to fix those problems. And maybe last year’s fight to have him in my life was more about me being scared to be alone rather than me fighting for the love of my life.
I love him. Very deeply. But love is not everything in a relationship. I love Jack, but I wouldn’t marry him. The right relationship is a collage of the right…pieces. And most importantly, the right relationship is about timing. I know things would have been different if I’d met The Ex two years ago instead of five.
So I am back in therapy. To help me get through this I suppose, but also for me. To help figure me out again because somehwere between my last therapy session and today I lost what I had gained. And I need to get it back.
I have to make a vow to myself not to call The Ex. Dr. B suggested I write a list of reasons not to call. So here goes:
1. I always had doubts about whether he was “the one”.
2. The Ex is not willing to forgive me, or let go of the past, which keeps disharmony in our relationship.
3. I need to work on my issues and fears before I can be in a strong, healthy relationship.
4. He needs to work on his issues, cuz I’m not the only one with issues. If we do ever decide to get back together.
5. I do NOT want to be in a relationship out of fear or desperation.
6. I can’t convince, or beg, someone to be in a relationship with me.
7. I realize that as difficult and painful as this all is, time heals all wounds.