Posted by on Dec 12, 2009 in Relationships and Sex | 0 comments

Whether we like to admit it or not, rebounds are born of an extreme state of fucked-uppedness. I’ve had my fair share, and so has Hannah, most famously with boy-next-door Ben. We like to think there’s potential; but, truth is, rebounds are an act of desperation, typically incited by liquor, and conveniently utilized by estranged lovers to win a race of Olympic proportions: The 100-Meter Move-On Dash.

Rebounds are fueled by any (or all) of the following emotions:

  1. Anger. Your new lover’s whispered nothings are answered with, “Shut the fuck up!” as you hurl yourself on top of him, engaging in a ferocious game of Whack-a-Mole with his balls. Guess whose moles you have in mind…
  2. Longing. What he thinks are moans, are actually choked-back sobs (though, he might be a bit suspicious of the thunderous bellows of, “WHY?”). Name slips are also not uncommon, nor are the post-coital requests: “Could you hold me the way he, err…you used to?”
  3. Over-Zealousness. You pinch yourself trying to grasp the concept of being wanted by someone else. After a relationship that lasted long enough for you to wear stained granny panties to bed, forget shaving your legs, and talk openly about how phone calls with your mother give you flatulence—someone finds you sexy once again. This wonderful feeling can leave you committing all sorts of crazy, such as: A) stealing his boxers to smell on your lunch hour, B) breaking and entering his home to color-code his socks by degrees of black, and C) asking his kids to call you “Mommy”. After picking them up from school. Which he never asked you to do.

Any relationship that develops out of these three emotions has the fixings for a strained romance, at best. Could Hannah be happy in a relationship with Ben, condemned to long-term sub-par (albeit rippling-ab-graced) sex? The answer is: probably not, although sometimes it’s nice when a man doesn’t talk…

I’m with 75% of the Think Tank respondents: keep rebounds in your bed, and out of your heart. Or at least out of his sock drawer.

Next we ponder: Is it okay for your lover to have pictures of the ex laying around?

Jenni Perez authored the 2008-2009 edition of the popular sex issues column, “The Wednesday Hump,” in UC Santa Barbara’s Daily Nexus. When she’s not contributing her thoughts about the trials of modern romance, she devotes much of her effort to sustainable living and recording music.