130. Don’t ever wear rubber and foam footwear (a.k.a. flip flops) to a wedding. And if you do, don’t be surprised if someone (like me) pulls you aside and whacks you really hard across the head, maybe even bends you over their knee and spanks the shit out of you (and no, not in a foreplay kind of way). For the love of the sweet baby Jesus that so many in this world devote their life to, can we please bring back a little class? Or has this world just gone to ghetto white trash hell? Have some pride people. This country was not built on the casual “surfer” look.
131. Don’t ever quibble with someone over $2 or $3, and then try to get a free drink out of their husband. Especially if that someone and their husband hooked you up with the best work contract of your life, which continues to lead you to more work, for which you can’t even be bothered to write that someone and their husband a thank-you card or take them out to dinner like you swore you would. Seriously. You self-absorbed, ungrateful, cheap-ass.
132. Don’t ever suggest dinner at a strip mall. Strip malls are for lunch, take-out, and those nights when you’re feeling not sexy, or like: god-I’m-just-way-too-fucking-tired-and-over-my-life-to-cook. Strip malls are NOT for those evenings when you are hosting out-of-towners you haven’t seen in years and whose wife you really don’t know all that well, but you do know that she lives in a big city, is wearing heels and a nice dress, and sometimes writes blog posts about inappropriate social behavior.
133. Don’t ever confuse a Skor bar for dark chocolate. A Skor bar is butter toffee covered in milk chocolate. And even though technically dark chocolate only needs a 35% cocoa content, we all know that anything with less than a %65 cocoa content is gauche.
134. Don’t ever be the preacher of accountability and reliability and honesty and of knowing how to “be a good friend”, and tell your friend you will be attending their birthday party only to not show up without so much as a phone call or even text. And then not even be bothered enough to call them the next day or week or month to apologize with some lame excuse, after they have ran to the opposite ends of Los Angeles for you on more than one occasion just to be by your side because you asked them to, just because they considered you a friend.
135. You know it’s a bad fucking day when you realize your entire collection of vibrators is broken.