Sex, Life, and Hannah » breaking up

To forgive, or not to forgive.

hannah — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 20:26:42 +0000

In dealing with the life experiences of friends, lovers, ex-lovers, and my sometimes charmingly bitter self, I've found that nothing puts grey hairs on the head (and a grudge in the heart) quite like infidelity. Even the suspicion of infidelity can take your relationship from we-just-made-love-on-the-virgin-white-Nassau-sand to you-can-keep-your-stinking-engagement-ring. There are a myriad of reasons why cheating happens, and it's rarely "because I hate you so much and just want you to have a hopelessly miserable life" (unless you're vindictively trying to get back at your ex...for cheating on you). Most of the time, the psychology behind cheating is much more complex than that. Often, the reason has little or nothing to do with the person afflicted. Yet this particular wrongdoing feels about as personal as personal gets. ...

Virginity…Round Two.

hannah — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 17:10:30 +0000

So, you bit the bullet. You called it quits on your relationship, before the holidays. Good on you. You are the 73 percent. And now that the box of liqueur chocolates has been scarfed, and your mother's "not ALL spinsters are unhappy" wisdom has been prescribed, and your married friends' Christmas cards have smoldered in your ﬁreplace, it's time to muster up some self-respect and think about dating again. Unfortunately, you know it's not as easy as slipping into a tight black number and shouting: Come and get me, boys! It's been awhile—perhaps a few years—and your game isn't quite as tight as the Versace in the back of your closet. ...

The Benefits of a Pre-Holiday Break-Up

hannah — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 01:27:57 +0000

photo: 1x43's Blog

If you didn’t do what Katy Perry did before the holidays you’re either selfish or on the fence, and definitely not one of the 73 percent that think you should have done it already, and while I understand, here are five reasons why it would have been better to break up with them before the holidays. ...

In defense of Kim Kardashian

hannah — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 00:18:55 +0000

I’m going to play devil’s advocate for just a moment, and I’m not saying that Kim K does not deserve all the smack talk she’s gotten over her failed three-month marriage, but, as a woman that has loved and lost many times before, I do feel bad for her. ...

Can taking a Relationship Break Ignite Relationship Passion?

hannah — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 15:11:42 +0000

63% of you said "yes", and while I want to side with all you positive people, my personal experiences have proven otherwise. Maybe it was me, or maybe it was the other person, but every time I took this turn in a relationship, it eventually crumbled apart. The "break" created baggage, a baggage so large it inevitably lead to trust issues. As for passion...yes...I think a "break" can spark passion, ever heard of the "fighting and fucking" phenomenon? But it's probably not the healthiest way to do it. If you need a break, maybe what you really need is to move on.

Coital Bliss Hiccup.

hannah — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 21:23:20 +0000

From the upcoming SLH Summer Season: Two hours later, I push my chair back, and lean over the table, “I’m going to take five in the ladies room.” I stand up. Phillip follows my lead and comes over to me, as I round the table. He puts his hand on my arm, it brushes up the side of my neck, his gaze pierces mine. This is the longest we’ve ever gone without breaking out into a passionate make-out session, and I feel the tension, as he moves closer to me, whispering in my ear, “it’s straight back and to the left”. I can feel his breath on my ear, it makes me breathe deeply, excuse myself. As I walk away, I can feel his eyes on me… I put both hands down on the bathroom counter and look at myself in the mirror. What are you doing Hannah? My emotions are playing a tug of war. I’m engaged, in love, confident in my decision to be with Christian, even though, yes, it did all happen very fast...I need to pee. ...

RULES! Part 7.

hannah — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 18:42:29 +0000

39. Everyone should read: How to Behave and Why by Munro Leaf. It's all about how to be honest, fair, strong, and wise. And how to say thank you when someone does something nice for you, because if you don't, you will forever burn a bridge with that person, especially if that person has their Venus in Scorpio. Ok, maybe it doesn't say the bit about the Venus in Scorpio, but it's a really great book nonetheless. 40. West Hollywood is a A LOT of fun during Halloween. Even when you're at a bar, and some tall busty slut starts grinding up on your man, pulls down his zipper, grabs his crotch, and asks if he wants a blowjob. Hey, it's Halloween, shit happens. 41. And who cares that she has bigger tits and longer legs than you! Stop focusing on your shortfalls. Focus on your assets and do everything you can to accentuate them. 42. And it's definitely not anything you should break up over. I mean really, when you're in a relationship for longer than...three months, you need to expect your significant other is going to get hit on, and sometimes even by Dave Navarro, and they'll probably even enjoy it, and they should. Committed doesn't mean DEAD. Besides, breaking up is hard to do...on Facebook. 43. And it's not cheating unless...

Breaking up and moving on, for real.

hannah — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 16:42:00 +0000

We are nostalgic creatures, yearning for those perfect memories of the past: the first glance, passionate kiss, emotional fuck, that private chartered tour around Nassau he took me on... But we also have selective memory, and seem to conveniently forget the jealous, immature, off-kilter remarks, when we got our heart ripped out, or when he didn't just get a boner the moment my hand landed on his crotch... And so, when we hit a dry spell that lasts longer than a season of Weeds, and our vibrator batteries simultaneously peeter out, and we get a call from a number we recognize all too well, we start to believe it's a "sign". Yes a sign from, oh, I don't know, God, maybe, like stigmata, and we start making statements like this to our BFF: "He says he's changed, and wants to work things out. That things will be different now. And the sex was AMAZING".

Is it wrong to run away from a bad situation?

hannah — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 16:52:25 +0000

Here is the question I got on Facebook today: Q. If you move in with a woman, telling her from the start that you are just friends with benefits and that it's temporary until you get your shit together, but then she downs a bottle of Aspirin when you tell her you're moving out ( because you're sick of her smothering you whenever you're in the same room and told her so). Is it wrong that your reaction is to go stay at a friends place and order pizza? She did phone 3 times to say that it was "All your fault and I won't be here tomorrow." And "You don't even care, I'll find you and die on the doorstep!" And finally "Everything I do, I do for you and get NOTHING in return! A. Sounds like you basically pimped yourself out for free rent, and (surprise) got yourself into a bad situation...

Friends’ Exes: Hand-Me-Downs or Hand-Me-Don’ts?

hannah — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 19:55:51 +0000

Hey! Interested in making your life a bona fide hell, where every step you take is sized up for ridicule by a disgruntled bitch and her entire posse? Then sleep with your friend’s ex! I’m serious about this one, ladies. While our forefathers fought for our right to whatever one-night stand we so choose, this is an instance where we might want to exercise a bit of guarded liberty. Sure, it may seem like a good idea in the heat of the moment. You’re nursing him through a breakup of epic proportions, drowning his sorrows—and your moral compass—in a bottle of Grey Goose at a local dive bar. Woes soon turn to giggles, which turn to sexy whispers, which turn to you emerging from the ladies’ room and handing him your crumpled up panties. “Let’s blow this joint,” you say like a woman possessed. And your night of released tension—pent up for three long years, as you watched him hold your BFF’s purse while she tried on jeans at Macy’s—is everything you imagined and more. It feels forbidden, yet ten times better because you know it’s technically not. The entire day after, you’re on top of the world…until you get a call. From your BFF. Distraught out of her effing mind...

Thinking about the first time I fell in love…

hannah — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 15:37:23 +0000

From Sex, Life, & Hannah::Volume 1, Winter Season (CHAPTER 8: FALLING IN LOVE) I fold my arms behind my head and tilt my chair back. I have fallen in love twice in my life. During my first semester at USC, I walked down into the lone, underground campus bar with the intention of doing homework. That’s until Warner, the bartender, introduced himself to me. I ended up with sweaty palms, watering eyes, a babbling tongue, and my heart threatening to pop out of my chest. It was love at first sight. Warner was the perfect man: tousled hair, bronze skin, athletic; and more eloquently versed, thoroughly traveled, and mature than all the über-horny boys in my freshman classes put together. We started dating and I fell madly in love. Warner took me on my first camping trip. I would have never dreamed that hiking up a mountain until the sweat seeped through my bra; sleeping on a foam mat in a thirty-six-square-foot tent for three nights; and peeing outdoors could turn me on to a man so much. Warner taught me how to surf, snowboard, skateboard, and give what he considered the perfect blowjob in the backseat of his Volvo. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. ...

Breaker’s Remorse: The Mindfuck of a Lifetime

hannah — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 17:44:44 +0000

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about Cain. I’m not sure why I blew him off the way I did, and without even a proper taste test of his Superman bod. I keep telling myself I did the right thing. Cain and I only had a couple dates, my hopes were pinned on Mr. Smyth, and I was just being…honest with myself. Or a delusional fool in love as it turns out. But we often do strange things when men, our heart, and our over-analyzing brain get involved. Post-parting penitence is a crafty little bugger that presents itself in a variety of ways. It’s like a little Linda Blair that creeps into your bedroom at night: Sometimes she’ll spew green slime in your face, sometimes her head will spin around… and sometimes she’ll simply call your mother a whore and leave. You really never know what you’re going to get, or how long it plans on lodging in Newly Detached Inn. Two months since I blew Cain off, I still find myself obsessing. The fact of the matter is, when you cut out an individual with whom you’ve had even a couple fond memories with, you’re bound to second guess your decision. Yes, I'm still wondering about Ben too... As we learned in our “friends with benefits” discussion, our good friend oxytocin doesn’t discriminate based on compatibility. Even if you want to strangle the dude with his favorite Armani tie (the one that makes him look like Rambo in a gay pride parade), chances are, you’ll miss seeing him put it on and wink in the mirror before heading off to work. Things you’ve grown intimately familiar with, like scent and touch, could give you phantom pains for months. For many—a good portion of the 78% Think Tank majority, most likely—this remorse is founded. Your life is lacking something he provided (or thought he would eventually), and suddenly you realize that he was more than a fine ass, master of cunnilingus, or metrosexual—he was also a great listener, sincerely sweet, and even though your vagina quivered at the thought, he wanted kids… Being alone with a bottle of wine at night can do strange things to the mind—it can drown you in confusion, or coddle you in clarity, and break-up remorse clouds your ability to discern the two. Luckily in this instance, time is on your side. Time gives you the opportunity to meet someone new, and learn from your mistakes, so that you don’t break-up with the next eligible bachelor over something silly like thinking the other guy will eventually fall in love with you, and regret it later. Next we ponder the gold digger in us: If they don't make enought money, is it a deal breaker? Weigh in.

We need to talk

hannah — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 17:10:45 +0000

From Sex, Life, & Hannah::Volume 1, Winter Season (Chapter 1: New Year's Ex) Jack is totally wrong, I tell myself as I head to the kitchen to fix my boyfriend a stiff drink. I set the drink on the coffee table and go back to making myself up like a whore. I’m trying to decide between big slut-hair and slicked-back schoolteacher hair when I hear a knock at the front door. “It’s open!” I yell. A few minutes later I emerge from the bathroom with big slut-hair and ferocious red lips, standing nearly six feet tall in my stiletto heels. My body is wrapped in satin, lace, and fishnets; it’s as seduction-ready as it’s ever been. I wrap my arms around my boyfriend. “You’re not dressed.” He tries to pull away. “You’re overdressed.” I push him onto the couch and start kissing his neck, working my way up. “We need to talk,” he says, avoiding my mouth.

Mourning my new single life.

hannah — Tue, 07 Oct 2003 04:32:36 +0000

I’ve decided to call my new single life my mourning period. Oh yeah, that’s how excited I am about my new single life. You know I totally get why things didn’t work out with Mr. Smyth, but it still sucks. Or maybe I was right last week when I concluded that perhaps I just suck at being single. Or maybe the real problem is that this time I don’t have someone like Ben to keep me distracted. Why is it that for some reason if you have a hot piece of ass to distract you, all of a sudden the trauma of breaking up with someone miraculously disappears? Where oh where is Dr. Bod when I need him, and why don’t I have a business trip to New York planned anytime soon?

Reasons not to call The Ex.

hannah — Sun, 05 Jan 2003 03:37:24 +0000

My journals are signed and sealed. Put away after the last "incident", which led to the break-up. So I'm writing on this ratty yellow scrap from work. I wonder whether things would have turned out differently if The Ex hadn't read my journal. Maybe. Or maybe we just would have prolonged the inevitable. Could I have said or done something different that would have changed the outcome? It doesn't make sense to anaylyze this type of shit, but it's hard to stop. The fact is, I wanted more than he was willing or able to give last year. The fact is that I was mostly unhappy last year. The fact is that I felt like a punching bag all last year. And the fact is that I did cheat on him. I need to look at myself; stick with therapy and figure out why I made the choices I made.