Mind Fucking yourself out of an Orgasm.
by hannah
May 13th, 2010
Q. Dear Dr. Sex, I can’t seem to get stimulated and lubricated enough to have intercourse. Sometimes when I’m by myself I feel excited and wet and can masturbate, but when I’m with my boyfriend nothing seems to work and intercourse hurts. Help me before I decide to try taking “E” to attain that level of sexual excitement.
Why do the sex gods do this to us? Such teases… If we’re all lubed up and ready for the big dance by ourselves, why can’t this transfer over when we’re ready for a joyride on the pogo stick with a partner? There are a lot of pieces to this mysterious puzzle. The good news: you’re physiologically capable of arousal and the engine has the ability to function properly. The not so good news: it’s not always easy to control when the engine decides to work.
Our mind is our largest and most powerful sex organ. It has the ability to both enhance and inhibit our arousal. Some woman can come from pure fantasy alone with no direct physical stimulation (they “think” off) while others block their arousal and sexual response mechanisms because they think themselves out of arousal. To begin unraveling this predicament, examine your life. Did social constructs like religion or family expectation shape your sexual attitudes or comfort? Was there ever a time (teenage years, college, etc) when orgasms or arousal were more difficult?
Most of us feel safest when we’re alone and masturbating. There is no one there to judge us or critique us; no one to trigger our insecurities or add fuel to the thoughts we may be thinking about our bodies, our performance, and our concern for our partner’s pleasure. When we’re masturbating we’re not concerned about how our boobs look or whether our stomach looks trim or bloated. When we introduce a partner into the equation, all of a sudden there’s a magnifying glass on all our insecurities and baggage. A supportive lover, friend, or a therapist can help you overcome all those things that impact your arousal. With the right person’s help you will gain confidence and experience, you will become more secure with yourself and your body, and you will let go of those internal judgments that are inhibiting your sexual functioning…
