Sex, Life, and Hannah » RULES

RULES! Part 16.

hannah — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 19:28:37 +0000

photo: http://lucyindaskywithdiamonds.com/tag/true-love/

98. Being less picky can lead to unexpected surprises. Like, that guy, that has bad hair, and no style, and doesn’t do anything sexy for a living, and hangs out with a circle of friends you could care less about...could be the best sex of your life, or even better, emotionally gets you like no man ever has. 99. Emotionally draining relationships only prevent you from being completely open to finding something new. Like, that guy, that’s really hot, and has a six-pack, and is (was) in a band, and gets invited to all those red-carpet events...but still doesn’t know where your clitoris is, after you’ve had multiple sit downs with him, and was out of town for your birthday, accidentally of course. 100. Except for business and kids, there is no reason for you to be friends with your ex. Do you still think there might be an inkling of a chance? Do you still think he’s going to change? Do you still think the friendship is going to fulfill you like the relationship never did? See #99. ...

RULES! Part 15.

hannah — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 20:55:46 +0000

91. Do not tattoo the face of your dog above your ass crack. I know you dog lovers really love your dogs but…come on. Any guy that wants to do you doggie style and has to look at the face of your dog the whole time he’s doing it, is just gonna think you are WAY too into your dog for him to ever stand a chance, and will probably never ask you out again. 92. A really great set of fake boobs look real. They’re symmetrical and proportionate to your body. Just like real boobs. So if you really want fake boobs, go to a doctor who knows what he’s doing. And knows to turn you away when you really shouldn’t be messing with your boobs. 93. A guy that’s really into you and worth your time is not going to just care about your boobs.

RULES! Part 14.

hannah — Fri, 20 May 2011 16:30:34 +0000

86. If you want to just hit it and quit it. It's alright. Do it. Emperors have been doing it for years. 87. If you're going to drink Coke, drink the real thing. Not Diet Coke, not Cherry Coke, not Coke from a can, not Coke from a soda fountain, but Coke, in a bottle. 88. If you want to father a bastard lovechild...ahhh shit, I can't help you out with that one, but do read this: http://www.sexlifeandhannah.com/why-do-we-always-have-to-be-upstanding/

RULES! Part 13.

hannah — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 16:13:20 +0000

78. Older men hit on younger women, younger men hit on older women.

79. Pretty men are fun, smart men are an experience.

80. Brain sex can lead to really hot sex.

81. It doesn’t work without love. But love isn’t enough.

Rules! Part 12.

hannah — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 19:24:48 +0000

72. Dear Gents: While I applaud the brazen approach of passing out your hotel room card as a way to attract women to your band's hotel room party, a bit of an intro might ensure you get more what you're looking for: a) single, b) a prostitute, or c) someone who can overlook your bad teeth just because you're a rock star. ‎73. I do however, also applaud that you are confident enough in your masculinity to pile it on. Gold, silver, pearls, diamonds, fake, real…apparently you can't have on too many accessories. Whether you’re a girl, or rock star. 74. But "I don't date" means: "I'm not interested in dating you". Let's move on.

RULES! Part 11.

hannah — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 15:00:00 +0000

65. If you decide to go to an after party in the Hollywood Hills after boozing at Bar Marmont and dancing at the Purple Lounge, you most likely will not be able to get your car when you decide you're ready to stop bs-ing with randoms about how your security guard Eduardo walks around your house with a pistol, and has killed people. Valet will be closed, the parking lot will be closed, and the parking guy, even though he waited for you 'til god-knows-when (but not 4AM), will eventually decide to go home, and take your keys with him. Your keys...which included your house keys. 66. So yeah, the keys you give to the valet guy or parking guy, or any guy you trust your car to, should not include your house keys.

RULES! Part 10.

hannah — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 18:28:36 +0000

58. Dark lager and dark chocolate cake. So good. For real. 59. I'm sorry, making out with your dog is not funny. It's disturbing. 60. When you pay for something, you should be satisfied. If you're not, you should say something to someone that can fix it. Or get you your money back. Or get you a dark lager and dark chocolate cake on the house.

Bad emails from guys.

hannah — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 21:21:17 +0000

In keeping with last night's discussion about bad emails guys send to girls on the Art of Charm with @dzubak on Sirius 108 XM 139, here is the one I read on the air: I happened to end up at The Red Fox Room last night and of course thought of you. Shirley, the lady with the white hair who plays piano, is retiring. Do you remember the guy who looked really funny when he sang, but was so into it you had to smile? He was there and I asked him why it was so crowded and he gave me the scoop. Anyway, tonight's her last night and all the locals from all the years are going to be there, including me. I just thought I would let you know. If you get this in time you should definitely come check it out. It's the end of an era. Hope things are going great for you. Why do I put this email in the bad category? Because a couple months prior this guy broke up with me, because he wasn't "ready" for a relationship. But now he's thinking about me? And hopes I'll casually show up where he'll be? I think you all know what's going on here. It's cryptic and screams: I'd sure like to fuck you again. Even though I'm still not ready to be in a relationship with you. While on the one hand it's flattering, if you know the girl is interested in more than just banging you every now and then, this is just fucking with her head.

RULES! Part 9.

hannah — Thu, 02 Dec 2010 23:41:38 +0000

49. If you want something, you better be the best at it, put your all into it, and charge what you're worth. 50. Truck stops are dirty. No joke. Have you ever watched gay porn? Like 75% of it is filmed at truck stops. Because apparently that type of stuff goes down at truck stops. A lot. 51. The Ex, the one that dumped you, broke your heart...will eventually call. But by then, you need to be strong enough to decline whatever the offer and move on. 52. Stop eating Kraft Singles American Cheese. Yes, it's fun to play with. But your relationship with it should end there.

RULES! Part 8.

hannah — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 18:46:34 +0000

47. Don't judge a book by its cover. 48. A little underground, a little cheeze, a little cool, a little peace-and-love, a little porno, a little high-end, a little rock 'n roll, a little ghetto; everything in small doses works out best.

RULES! Part 7.

hannah — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 18:42:29 +0000

39. Everyone should read: How to Behave and Why by Munro Leaf. It's all about how to be honest, fair, strong, and wise. And how to say thank you when someone does something nice for you, because if you don't, you will forever burn a bridge with that person, especially if that person has their Venus in Scorpio. Ok, maybe it doesn't say the bit about the Venus in Scorpio, but it's a really great book nonetheless. 40. West Hollywood is a A LOT of fun during Halloween. Even when you're at a bar, and some tall busty slut starts grinding up on your man, pulls down his zipper, grabs his crotch, and asks if he wants a blowjob. Hey, it's Halloween, shit happens. 41. And who cares that she has bigger tits and longer legs than you! Stop focusing on your shortfalls. Focus on your assets and do everything you can to accentuate them. 42. And it's definitely not anything you should break up over. I mean really, when you're in a relationship for longer than...three months, you need to expect your significant other is going to get hit on, and sometimes even by Dave Navarro, and they'll probably even enjoy it, and they should. Committed doesn't mean DEAD. Besides, breaking up is hard to do...on Facebook. 43. And it's not cheating unless...

RULES! Part 6.

hannah — Mon, 13 Sep 2010 17:27:46 +0000

31. If your BF goes to jail, the Universe is giving you a 2nd chance. Seriously, stop dating hoodlums. 32. If someone insults you, they are not worthy of you. Do NOT fall for what pick-up artists call the "neg", as my friend Avflox explains, "a neg makes the girl feel embarrassed and vulnerable, causing her to change tracks and begin seeking a man's validation and approval". Ladies, give him the finger instead. 33. Don't be a whore, be a sexual strategist. Do it for love, an experience, your dream job, to live out your kinkiest fantasy, or money, a LOT of money. But don't give it away to just anyone. 34. If you love yourself the way you want to be loved, you will attract people that love you the way you want to be loved.

RULES! Part 5.

hannah — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 17:09:32 +0000

24. If you live in L.A., you should always have three alternates for every destination. This applies to routes, venues, and men. 25. You're not going to meet an eligible bachelor(ette) clubbing on Hollywood Boulevard. First of all, most clubs on or near Hollywood Boulevard suck. The lines, the posturing, the need to know a promoter and be on some kind of list, or have bottle service, is all for show, so what can you really expect from the people when they're in that kind of environment... 26. If you want eligible, go to yoga. Yoga has attractive, in shape, spiritually sound (or working on it), emotionally available (or working on it) people. You'll learn a lot more about a person going for green tea after yoga than wasted off your ass at a Hollywood club...

RULES! Part 4.

hannah — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 15:06:37 +0000

20. If you meet someone with emotional herpes, RUN AWAY! 21. If you're on the 22nd floor of a downtown LA high-rise and an earthquake hits, get under a table or other piece of furniture. If there isn’t a table near you, cover your face and head with your arms and crouch in an inside corner of the building. Read more here: http://www.fema.gov/hazard/earthquake/eq_during.shtm 22. Yes. Smoking is bad for you. I know, I know, a fag with a cocktail can be oh so tempting, but...it's still bad for you. Chain-smoking especially. And if you do it long enough, it'll just make you look like a tired, dried up old prune. And the smoker's cough--not sexy...

RULES! Part 3.

hannah — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 15:30:39 +0000

15. If your Men's Night involves seeing how many of ya can fit into a telephone booth, you're gay. Or trying to relive your college years and need to move on. 16. If something doesn't taste good, spit it out. And if you ordered it at a restaurant, tell the waiter. They need to know, and you shouldn't have to pay for it. 17. It's easier to get in anywhere if you're on your own. Especially if you're female, and wearing a cute outfit. 18. The larger a man's balls, the more virile he is, so if you wanna get knocked up, don't go for the big penis, go for the big balls. 19. Unless you have tickets to the Laker's playoffs, you have no reason to be "going out" that night in downtown L.A. And if you have tickets, plan your exit the side of Olympic, not Figueroa. And have your cabby or driver pick you up at the Ritz Carlton.