Posted by on Apr 9, 2003 in Life and Style | 0 comments

I’m driving to Vegas. Luckily I have a conference in Vegas for a few days. Luckily I can get the fuck away from the Mr. Smyth situation. I hurt. I’m totally disappointed – again. But you know what – I’m over it. I’m fucking over him. He wants to be single – right on. He can have it.

He “likes” me. But just not enough. Not enough to be more than just…. just what? The re-bound girl? No, I’m not the re-bound girl. If I were the re-bound girl this would have all been wrapped up a few weeks ago when we had “the conversation”. That was his easy out. But if I’m not the re-bound girl, what am I? Am I the convenient lay? No, it’s not just a sex thing between us. We’ve hung out and not had sex and had a great time.

So if I’m not the re-bound girl, or the convenient lay…what am I?…. Holy shit. I’m the safety blanket.

He’s that guy. That guy that wants to be single, but truthfully is a relationship guy. He’s been in and out of relationships for nine years. Why? Because he likes being in relationships. So now he wants to be single, but it’s new territory for him, and he’s not completely comfortable with it; it kind of freaks him out. So he has me, his safety blanket. It’s always easy to be single when you know there’s one person out there that can give you a dose of “relationship” with the click of a few numbers.

Or maybe I’m the fucking love of his life and he’s too afraid to own up to it. Who knows.

All I know is that this whole thing fucking sucks. Even though I know exactly where he stands, it doesn’t change the way I feel for him. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m still totally hot for him. It doesn’t change the fact I get butterflies in my stomach every time I see him. But now I have to switch gears.

Can I switch gears? Can I have unemotional sex with Mr. Smyth? Am I strong enough to keep having sex with him? And others? And know that he’s having sex with other people too?

Fuck it. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care that he wants to be single, I don’t care that he doesn’t want to be exclusive. I don’t care. Things happen for a reason and maybe it’s OK that we’re not sexually exclusive. I’m having fun. I’m getting laid. I can date other people. I can fuck other people. I don’t have to report to anyone. I can do what I want, when I want, and with whomever I want to do it with. And I can do all of this without an ounce of guilt. There have been times in my life when I would have given anything to have this kind of an arrangement.

So you know what, I’m going to embrace it. I’m going to Vegas, and I’m not going to hold back this time. I’m not going to fucking care. And I’m not even going to call him when I get back. His ass can call me if he wants – and leave me a voicemail. And we’ll see. We’ll see if I even care when I get back.