So, you bit the bullet. You called it quits on your relationship, before the holidays. Good on you. You are the 73 percent.
And now that the box of liqueur chocolates has been scarfed, and your mother’s “not ALL spinsters are unhappy” wisdom has been prescribed, and your married friends’ Christmas cards have smoldered in your ?replace, it’s time to muster up some self-respect and think about dating again.
Unfortunately, you know it’s not as easy as slipping into a tight black number and shouting: Come and get me, boys! It’s been awhile—perhaps a few years—and your game isn’t quite as tight as the Versace in the back of your closet.
You clearly remember a time when you had “it”; when your response to a pick-up line was sharp, even sassy; when a simple bat of your fake eyelashes scored you bottle service and a luxury suite; when you could wriggle out of your G-string while still holding your purse and cigarette. But monogamy, in all its cuddly-wuddly, sweatpantsy, let’s-watch-Hoarders-instead-of-have-sex glory, went and Rip Van Winkled the SHIT out of it.
You’re going to have to face the music: you’re a virgin again.
This isn’t necessarily bad news. There is charm in re-popping your cherry. For the ?rst time in a long time, you are on a precipice; the same precipice that had you trembling with excitement during your ?rst crush, your ?rst hand-hold, your ?rst kiss, and of course… your ?rst anal midget orgy. Or whatever.
You are embarking on exciting times. There is serious empowerment in dusting off your chickporn and relearning every position outside of the missionary. Or scheduling your ?rst bikini wax since April of 2008. Or re-training your body to hold in all gaseous output in the presence of the opposite sex. This is all part of the journey… and given that you’ll eventually end up in a new relationship, it’s a journey you could possibly not experience again, or not for a very long time.
So hop on and enjoy the ride, cowgirl—backward and forward. But slowly at ?rst, so you don’t pull a muscle.
Jenni Perez authored the 2008-2009 edition of the popular sex issues column, “The Wednesday Hump,” in UC Santa Barbara’s Daily Nexus. When she’s not contributing her thoughts about the trials of modern romance, she devotes much of her effort to sustainable living and recording music.